The Power of Service and Community with Dr. Victoria Medeley: Vulnerability, Allyship & Self-Love

What does it look like to turn your pain into purpose? What if the parts of yourself that you've been hiding are actually your greatest gifts to the world. But today's conversation is about vulnerability, advocacy, and the radical apple that shown up as your full self even when the world isn't always ready for you. But I'm Naomi Banks, and you're listening to the Season and Self Love. I'm joined by doctor Victoria Madeline. She's a mental health advocate, a speaker, and an author who has walked through invisible challenges, invisible differences and transformed them into a mission of alleyship and healing. We're talking about self advocacy, what it really means to be an ally and why gaining back or giving back from a place of a floor and not depletion is the ultimate form of self love. This is going to be powerful. Let's dive in. Welcome to the Season of Self Love podcast, the Season of Healing Intentionally. I am your host, Naomi Banks, and I am so glad that you are here. This season, we are slowing down to go deeper. Every Monday and Wednesday, we're creating a space of intentional healing, authentic conversations and the kind of self love that transform from the inside out. This podcast is brought to you by as Naomi and Elevate Me Self Discovery. Well, we believe that loving yourself intentionally is a foundation of true transformation. So whether you're on your own journey of rebirth navigating life transitions, we're simply choosing yourself. This is your safe space. So get comfort, grab your favorite beverage, and let's heal together intentionally because you deserve to embrace that beautiful person that you are. Now let's get. Started, all right, my beautiful people. Well, welcome back to because he's in a simpler podcast. I am your host, Browny Banks, and I am truly honored. To be in this space with you today. You know, this month we are diving deep into that what speaks deep directly to our hearts, and that's giving back because sometimes the greatest way to love ourselves is just pointing to others, but from a place of old flaw and not depletion. You know, doctor will tell us that all the time. Well, today's episode is called the Power of Service and Community, Embracing Vulnerability and self love, and I have a very special guest joining me today, I have doctor Victoria Madeline. Now let me tell you about Victoria. She is a powerhouse. She's a speaker, a mental health advocate, and an author of an upcoming book named Act Like an Ally, Work With an Ally. But beyond the titles, she's a woman who has walked through the fire, living with both invisible and visible challenges. It has turned her pain into purpose. So get ready for a heartfelt and powerful conversation about self love, vulnerability, and now giving back to one of the most radical. Acts of healing. But before we bring doctor v to the stage, let's take a quil break. All right, it's a gritty goddess, I mean said on this season and Self Love Podcast, and we'd be right back. Washington wells into two focuses on healing. Always for me, if I look good, then I feel good. If I feel good, then I share the good. If I share the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate the good, then I live the good. So I can be paid to be my greatest. But I have to learn the good to be the good. So what does it take to be the greatest. It's as simple as a free, fifteen minute consultation. Be kind, to yourself and you'll always hey, it's your girl. You got it now me Banks and make sure you. Tune in every three Thursday night Naomi DGI podcast. We'll we talk about everything you love, sex, relationship, cousture differences, and so much more by bridging the gap between them all and we even talk about our loveday. You need to stop by me and dot com my podcast as well as the MeTV group. We have some amazing guests become full. You never know. Just make sure you tune me at Thursday ninety six pm six percent of time. Go to Aks Nyoma dot com. And tell the Miami teacher. Well, all right, beautiful people will welcome back. Well, hello, and welcome doctor Victoria Madealie. Am I saying that last name right? You are? You are? Thanks for having me? Thank you. I am truly excited for this conversation. But what I want to do first is I want to just ground us before we get into topic. Are you are you ready for that? You prepare for that one? I'm ready for it? All right, My beautiful listeners, you know how we do. If you could just get into a nice comfortable position, all right. Finding comfortable space, close your eyes, and take a deep breath in. Oh, no, excel slowly. I want you to feel your body grounding into this moment. Imagine a warm light within you, radiating strength, compassion, and connection. Now, with each breath, I want you to invite a sense of openness, ready to serve, to heal, and to connect. Now, when you breathe in, I want you to breathe in love and I want you to breathe out fear. This is your time, this is your space. Let's begin, all right, my beautiful people, again, thank you for just sharing that space with me. And if you are new here to the season and Stephfler podcasts, this is something we do everyday Monday through Fridays, just to help ground us. Before we get into the topic, I'll write doctor V. You know, so I had a chance to read part of your profile and stuff like that, and it's such a powerful story, one that touches mental health out of piece show and your journey just towards radical self acceptance. Can you walk us through how you know, how you found your way through those moments of darkness into your mission of advocacy right now? Yeah, So I started my workplace inclusion journey back in twenty sixteen twenty seventeen working in the women in Leadership space and how do we get more women into leadership roles? You know, you look at most organizational hierarchies and the higher up you go, the lesson less women there are. And that really, you know, started my own journey into this workplace inclusion space. And then I realized it's so much more intersectional than just men and women or black and white, or straight or LGBTQ. Right, there's so many different intersections of identities that we have that the workplace and leaders particularly can do a better job accommodating for. Right. And so there's parents, and then there's people with invisible disabilities, and that could be you know, mental illness, it could be cancer, you know, it could be you know, some other chronic disease. Right, there's there's there's visible differences in the workplace. And I've given a talk on that I had. I have alopecia, and it's been manageable most of my life. I've had it since I was but it's always come back. I get a little bald spot, it would come back, you know, it was just like a cycle. And then last year in twenty twenty four. I lost it over the course of about nine months, and in October of last year, I made the decision to just shave that thirty percent that was remaining. You can't hide it when you're missing so much of it, right, And that was so liberating because you can't lose what you don't have. Like I took control of that situation, that narrative by deciding, well, my hair's going to fall out, and I'm just going to be bald, so I can't fall out anymore, right, And so I wear different wigs when I do video, you know, meetings or appearances like today, sometimes I'll go full bald, but I like wearing the wigs. But when I'm when I'm out on about, I'll wear like a head wrap, and I feel like that's a nice compromise for me because it's comfortable. But it's still like being bald. It feels like being naked. It's like naked on top of your head when you were naked on your head, you know. Like, So learning how to accept that through my challenges with mental illness, my challenges with death with cancer that you know I had, I have that resilience now that my latest battle with alopecia. Even though some might think I lost because I'm bald, I feel like I won because I didn't let it consume, you know, my happiness, my joy. So yeah, thank you for sharing. And I love that. I love that you you took it in your own hands, you shaved off your hand. And I love when you say I can't worry about something that I don't have. I can't worry about losing something that I don't have, and that's a very powerful thing. So I'm gonna share a story with you really really fast. When I was forty, I had found out that I was pregnant with my last child, and beforehand, I was told that I was unable to have any babies, a less I had help like if I'm went and stuff like that. So myself and my husband now we didn't think we were going to have any you know, have any more children. I already had two daughters from a previous marriage, and so when that came about, that was so surprising to me and I was just that actually had me created to where I retired from performing in front of the camera on line. But I remember going through a process that I was sitting and I was like Okay, I wanted anew and I know it's nothing like Hallapecia. But what happened was I shaved my entire haird I just shaved every I just shaved, and it was so it was so free for me because my hair. I was taught that my hair is my crown. Yes, I taught that my hair was my crown. And so as you I had over two hundred, three hundred weeks. You know, this was just even before I shaved my hair. But you know, just always having new hairstyles. Now I have natural locks as you see right now, and I'm just embracing it. But I said that at probably a few years, I probably would just shave it again because I don't want my identity to be outside of me. Yeah, you know, and that's where. But I love that you truly took it in your own hair. And it's like a radical type of feel when you do that, of a radical self acceptance of that. So how did you How did you. Realize the shift from your path not only in your own life, but in your professional mission as well. I think. My initial shift was becoming a business owner. I never thought that was in the cards for me, but I had burnt out at my last job, and I found it so ironic because is you know, I'm an organizational psychologist, like I help people. Not burn out. I feel like I was a lung lung doctor out the backsmoke in a packagday and getting lung cancer. I can't be an organizational psychologist burning out, right. So I took the summer off, and when I came back, before I went on the job market, I was reflecting how people have told me I was entrepreneurial. I didn't really know what that meant, never open started a business before. I was like, could I get a client? Like? Could I get a client? And I did, and I was like, could I get another client? You could I make excellent out with revenue or whatever. But also what I was doing as I hit all those milestones and then decided to go all in, I was creating a workplace that didn't exist for me in the past. So my last job, I burnt out. At the job before that, I was under challenged having to navigate you know, I struggle with depression, having to navigate that as an employee and how do you advocate for yourself? But still like be a good employee and like where's that balance being a mom needing flexible hours? Right, Like, so I created a workplace that accommodated for all those different aspects, not only my identity, but others identity in the workplace as well. For example, one of our employees is non binary and they're pronouncers? Are they them? And you know, I made sure I'm slack before I was like, hey, there pronounces are they them? So like just everyone knows and they come in their first days tomorrow and like that. You know, So just little things like that, but it all accumulates. You know, we weren't overwork society, over and over worked organization or over work culture. You know, we did good work. We got it done, but it was never at the expense of anyone's well being. So I think that was a big shift for me that I can create a space that's healthy and accommodating and just recognizes our humanity even though we're coming to work, we're in our human bodies and our human minds, and so we need to be treated as such. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So now let's talk about vulnerability, and so many of us we fear being seen, especially when we're struggling. But you found the vulnerability and actually the strengths to for your ability to serve. Can you share how embracing your own story has deepened your connections to others? Absolutely? So. When I had cancer a few years ago, I was very careful to not really share much about that. It felt too personal and too just like no one's business, you know. But towards the end of my journey, like getting surgery and waiting for test results and all that, like I really needed community, I really needed it. Felt I felt very alone. You know, I don't know anyone in my who directly who has cancer. You know, I wasn't in any support groups, and so I just put the message out. And Facebook's mostly my friends and family, whereas install and LinkedIn is more like my professional and public network. But like I put a message out on Facebook and I said like hey, and it was a picture it says cancer stuff or it said f cancer, but not put the forward and shared a little about my journey and like I'm waiting for test results, like just sy goodvise my way And the amount of outpouring I received from that people who either had cancer and I never knew or had a direct loved one who had cancer and like so many positive stories and just so much reassurance and like that was wonderful, and it also made me understand like, well, people are going through it and no one's really talking about it, and we're missing out on opportunities for connection because of that fear of vulnerability. So if we can get over that fear and put it out there, we're gonna get so much back as a result, and we're gonna make a safer, more inclusive place for others who didn't feel like they could be sharing about that, you know, Like I with my alopecia, I did a disrupt HR talk, which are five minute talks about something disruptive to the field of know HR. And my talk was on visible differences in the workplace, and my very first slide was a quote from jay Z and it said, allow me to reintroduce myself. And I stood on stage and I pulled my wig off and stowed it out in the audience and gave the rest of the talk completely bald, you know, and like I just wanted to own it. I wanted to own it to empower others to own it as well. And yes, as I said before, being bald is like having a naked head. So I had a naked head on stage with three hundred people potential clients and collaborators and partners in the room. But I just owned it and they loved it. I got such great response. It's been like the top performing talk on disrupting Charlie nationwide. You know, like it's great. So I feel like there's a lot of benefit we get from vulnerability to get over that fear of it. Yeah, you know, when we talk here on the season of self love with vulnerability, that is our strength, that is our superpower of the vulnerability, because within that vulnerability, that's where we find our authentic self. We talk a lot about pulling that mask off, and I love when you say, you know, let me reintroduce myself. When you pulled off that wig, and I'm just imagining it, it was like you pulled off a full mask of your whole life right there, just going into something new that's beautiful, That was truly beautiful, you know. So I also see that you talk about self love, how self love helps us to serve others without losing ourselves, And you know, I know that is so very powerful, But how do you keep your own cup full when you're constantly giving. It's first identifying what brings you joy. So you know, some people would say I garden, or I do music, or I dance or a color, I watch old movies, but like those aren't the right answers. The right answer is what can you do that truly lights up your heart and soul and gives you joy because that's the only way we can fill our cups. And for me, it's spending time with my husband and my son, it's seeing live music, it's being in nature. But I know that those are the right, that's right formula for me, and everyone has their own formula. So a figuring out what that formula is and be really committing to making the time for it. You know, like I need to put that in my schedule. If it's not in my schedule, it doesn't happen. So even if I'm putting a hike in or yoga in, or you know, date nights go to see live music, it's in my calendar and I follow. Through on it. I try to follow through on it as much as I would for a job or any other obligation that I have, right and so it's prioritized the way we prioritize everyone else. And as you said, you can't pour from an empty cup. So taking care of yourself is just as much as part of the work as it is serving others. Yeah, it truly is. I found well when I first heard of not pouring from an empty cup. And I'm old, Well, I'm older. I'm fifty two years old. I'll be fifty three this year. And the first time I heard about this was probably about two years ago when I brought doctor Will onto this platform with me and he had said to me, he was like, you know, you have to stop pouring from an empty cup. You have to allow your cup to overflow. And I was like what. But when he explained it to me, I truly understand what that meant. You know what that meant One thing about me is with the joy, with joy enlighten me up. Is helping others. That truly lights me up. My phone used to always ring all the time. But what I've learned, especially going through my spiritual journey, is that everyone is not accessible to your energy and your piece. Everyone is not accessible to it, meaning that they they don't even have the capacity for what you have to offer right now, you know, so your steady poured into a cup with a. Whole in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And. So when I got that in my mind, when I when I saw that, I was like wow, And I really started to see a lot of things change for me physically and emotionally with doing that. And it also made me appreciate just a giving back or just being on this platform along even appreciate it even more because when you speak, when you talk, and when you're there, like right now, you're glowing, you know, you you attract more of that. Does that make sense? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. You know. When we talk about self love, people don't always connect service with self love or even self care. But you've shown that you can be one in the same. What does that look like to give from a place of authenticity? So I think it's a matter of understanding our purpose and our mission. What are we here to do? And especially with making building my own company right, like the work that I did, the service that I did was because I've always wanted to make the workplace a better experience for humans. So that was always like very clear, and I would either work for other companies or have my own company that was fulfilling like that mission. So and then that makes the work super authentic, right. And what was challenging in the early days of my business was monetizing my work because I would do it for free, you know, like I'm doing the thing I set out to do, but your girls got to pay bills and overhead and you know, salary, Like I need to monetize this, right, And so I think it's a matter of finding something that you would do for free, but if you can get paid for it, that means it's a twofer. You know, You're not spending forty hours a week working for money and then another twenty hours a week volunteering because that's your passion, you know, But like how can you double up essentially, because I mean, I don't have much time for volunteering, but I don't do much volununteering. I work with just a couple of organizations. But I feel like I'm getting my personal desire for like doing impactful work that makes human lives better even just a little bit, you know, Like I'm not a brain surgeon, I'm not a therapist. Like I'm not someone who's going to like really transform someone, but if I can make their experience at work just a little bit better, you know, that's so many waking hours we spend, like in the office or at our job. You know, if I can make that just a little better, I think the overall effect, you know, is really powerful over time. You know. Yeah, you know, I think anything that someone can give you that is a positive of a growth for you is a part of their transformation. So don't make yourself small in that aspect, you know what I mean? All Right, So you're all about building compassion and exclusive communities. What role has Alli Ship played in your work and your healing journey? Allyship? I'm sorry, Yeah, it's been paramount. Okay, I'm so. I'm a first generation college student. I come from a low SES background. You know, I didn't. I didn't have the resources or the guidance that you know, other kids have. So like my allies when I was young, like teachers particularly, you know, going out of the way and helping me with the college application process or recommending that I take the SAPs or you know, like and I've had allies. I remember I didn't have the best home situation in growing up, and my boyfriend his dad would drive me home every night, so I'd come over and have dinner at their house, you know, hang out in the evening, and he would drive me home at like ten o'clock every night, like right before I had to go to bed, because he knew it wasn't a good situation there and that I was safer and more comfortable at his place, right, So he almost essentially took me in for a year or two. So like early like foundational who I am absolutely, And then in my professional career, I mean, it's mostly been male allies helping me navigate mother you know, being a woman in the workplace, a mother in the workplace, and then most recently, my former business partner. You know, she was my ally when my father passed away. She was my ally when I got cancer. She was my mental health ally when I had a mental health crisis, you know. And the funny thing is, like she's a black woman, so people look at us and they think, oh, doctor Bee must be the ally because she's a white woman. And in racial situations, of course, I will do whatever I can be to be a good ally to her. But she's been my ally in so many different ways, so many different ways. So all that being said, like allyship is a really beautiful thing because it by definition to be ally, you cannot be one and the same. America cannot be an ally to America, right, Like, so we need to have some sort of difference of our identities that we are crossing, we are bridging, Like my male allies or my mental health allies. You can't be a mental health ally if you yourself are going through mental health crisis. You need to be mentally stable to be a mental health ally, right. So, like, we're going across these differences to help make the world a better place for the marginalized and underrepresented groups. Right. We were leveraging our power, our status, our privilege to do that. So it's a beautiful thing because it's helping change power differentials. It's getting us to work together across our differences. It's taking away this us versus them and replacing. It with just us. Right beautiful. So let me ask you this, what is one way, one powerful way that we can start being better allies not just to others, but to ourselves. Yeah, so that self piece is really important. So I gave a really powerful keynote recently to an organization about mental health and allyship in the workplace, and I used the same framework that I use in my book Act Like an Ally, Work with an Ally, which is allyship is a two way partnership. It is not just what the ally does, it's what the ally does and what I call the partner, who's the person who's benefiting from that allyship. And so this keynote I gave, I talked about three areas of you know, mental health advocacy that we can have both as allies but also as self advocates, as a partner the person needing an ally right and so so being able to come at it from both of those perspectives. And knowing that allyship is a two way partnership, that you know both parties have roles to play. So whether you are trying to be an ally to someone from an underrepresented a marginalized group, or whether you are from that underrepresented a marginalized group, there's certain things that we could do to work better together. Because I think about you know, I would say ally means action. It is not an identity. You cannot just say I'm an ally. I say, don't even call yourself an ally. Wait for someone to give that designation to you. And that's how you know you're. Doing it right. So if we don't if we aren't calling ourselves allies, we need to make sure that the work that we're doing as allies is aligned with the people who were trying to help and serve. And so you need to have communication and partnership. You need to work together to figure out, Okay, if ally means action, what actions can I take to make sure I'm actually benefiting the individual or group that I'm trying to serve? Right? So that relationship, that partnership is just pivotal for allyship to work. Right. So the one thing is what I love to do is I love to get very practical. So do you have any daily week of weekly rituals around the service or community care? I think it can be two. Very simple questions you can ask yourself either at the beginning of the day or the end of the day. But first is what's one thing I can do today to serve others? And what's one thing I can do today to serve myself? Or at the end of the day, what's one thing I did today that served others And what's one thing I did today that served myself? And knowing that question is coming at the end of the day when you're getting ready for bed, or whatever. That looks like it's an excellent reminder to make that time and stays for taking care of others and ourselves. Yeah, beautiful. All right, So I want to take this moment for you to actually talk about your book right now. For listeners who want to pick up your book, what can they get from your book? Yeah? So, as I shared before, it's it's two books in one. It's literally two books. So when you pick it up, it says on one side, act like an Ally. You flip it over it says work with an Ally books then reference each other. So you'll be reading, you know, in the in the partner book that work with an Ally book, it will say I told allies on page a forty two to be courageous, So give them something courageous to do. And then I want them to be like, what is she saying on a forty two and like turn the book over and look at that side. You know. So what you're going to. Get from the book is a dual perspective of what it means to both act like an Ally and work in partnership with an Ally to get stuff done. Even though you might pick it up for one side or the other you're probably going to end up reading both sides, you know, because as I mentioned with my former business partner, like I've been her ally, she's been my ally, you know, like we both needed both sides of those skills to you know, effectively work together. So I think that's that's the biggest thing. You're gonna get a lot of actionable strategies. I try to make it as tactical and easy to you know, implement as possible. I'm all about behavior change, So what are the behaviors that we can do? And the chapters are structured as such as a chapter on vulnerability and empathy and building trust, you know, and like, actually, how do we do that together? And it's also one final thinking from the book is you can buy two and give it to the person that you want to be working with. So if you want to work with an ally, buy one for your ally. If you are an ally I want to work or someone else, buy it for them. You can read it together, maybe the opposite side, right, and then flip it or something, and like it could be like a a group experience, a group exercise. That's beautiful. I like that. When you first were saying, I was like, oh, Wow, that is such a gift. Balance. That's what That's what I heard. Gift give me balance, That's what I heard. But now as you talk about it and you say, well you can get two, you can get one for whoever you're working with, which is a thing because now we're really on the same accord with the questions and the answers, so we can kind of sit together and kind of go through those things. Wow. I like that. That was I like that. You go back to me. All right, family, Well, here's your call to action for this week. I want you to take a moment and reflect. I want you to ask yourself, who can I serve today and how can I show up authentically for them or for myself? And here's another journaling part for you. I want to reflect on the time that you experienced and gave genuine service and how did it transform you? So to v remember what I said, don't make yourself small. These little things right here can help transform someone in. Every little way. And also I encourage you to check out Victoria's incredible work and our upcoming book. And I want to make sure that I'm saying the right website is that Matterlessolutions dot Com slash allyship. Yes all right, so let it inspire you both as an ally and a beacon of healing in our community. Doctor V, again, I want to thank you so much to just bringing a whole heart to our conversation. You know, you reminded us of the vulnerability when embraced that it becomes the root of compassion. The healing is communal and it's giving back and we've done it all in love and fees and souls. And to all our listeners, I want you to remember, don't have to change the world in a day. One kind word, one act of love, one moment of authenticity. That's when the revolution begins. So I want to ask you, doctor Van, do you have any last words for our listeners today, Just. That when it comes to our experience, whether they're at work and community organizations and family, just know that all we really want is to feel valued, respect and seen and heard. So whatever we can do throughout the day, whether it's a slight smile, whether it's a hug, whether it's eye contact, whether it's getting someone's name right, getting their pronouns right, these little things we can do can have such a big difference on our human experience. So they take care of yourself and others. That that's how I want to add. Beautiful Thank you, I write a beautiful people, And next week we're going to go even deeper with more powerful topics. So until then, I want you to remember. That if this podcast, that this episode has resonated with you and you think if someone needs. To share it, share it, share it, share it, share. All right someone. Until next time, keep loving yourself, keep loving yourself, and move forward. Have an amazing day, have a good one. Thank you so much for joining me today on this journey of intentional healing. I hope that this conversation has filled your cup and reminded you of the beautiful and worthy person that you are. I want you to remember healing isn't about rushing. It's about showing up for yourself with love and intention, one day at a time. So I'll see you back here Monday and Wednesday for another episode of the Season of Healing Intentionally right here on the Season of Self Love podcast. So until then, keep choosing you and visit us at the Season of Self Love podcast dot com for show notes and resources, and remember to connect with me on Instagram at the real Naomi Banks This has been brought to you by ax Naomi and elevating me self discovery because your healing matters. You are loved, you are worthy, and you are exactly where you need to be. Take care of