Setting Boundaries: Protecting Your Peace through Self-Compassion - A Mindset Monday Special with Dr. Will Washington

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Season of Self Love Podcast. I am your host, Nyomi Banks, and I am thrilled to have you join me on this transformative journey. You see, every day we dive into a powerful conversation about self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. This podcast is brought to you by Ask Nyomi and Elevate Me Self-Discovery, where we believe that loving yourself is the first step to living a fulfilling life.

[00:00:26] You can expect insightful discussions, practical tips, and inspiring stories. Plus, we occasionally welcome special guests who will share their unique perspectives on self-love and personal growth. So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage, and let's embark on this journey together. Because it's time to embrace the beautiful person that you are. So let's elevate our lives one episode at a time. Now let's get started.

[00:00:55] All right, my beautiful people. Welcome to Mindset Monday here on the Season of Self Love Podcast. I am your host, Nyomi Banks. And as we wrap up our Friday, our February, I'm going to say Friday, we focus on cultivating self-compassion with our year of rebirth. We'll be tackling something that's absolutely crucial for us, and that's our well-being and boundaries. Well, today I'm thrilled to welcome back our resident therapist, Dr. Will Washington,

[00:01:23] who's here to help us to understand how setting boundaries is one of the most powerful acts of self-compassion that we can practice. But before we begin, I want to remind our listeners that our year of rebirth workbook is available for free download on our website. It includes some amazing exercises on boundary settings and complete complement of today's discussion perfectly. Not the way that I just said that, but perfectly.

[00:01:52] All right, so let's do this. Let's take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to bring Dr. Will up. All right, it's your girl. He got us, Nyomi Banks here on the Season of Self Love. And we'll be right back. Washington Wellness Institute focuses on healing always. For me, if I look good, then I feel good. If I feel good, then I share the good. If I share the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate the good, then I live the good. So I can be paid to be my greatest. But I have to learn the good to be the good.

[00:02:21] So, what does it take to be the greatest? It's as simple as a free 15-minute consultation. Be kind to yourself and heal always. Hey, it's your girl, D. Goddess, Nyomi Banks. And make sure you tune in every Thursday night to Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap Podcast. Where we talk about everything from love, sex, relationship, cultural differences, and so much more. We're bridging the gap between them all. And we even talk about spiritual uplifting.

[00:02:51] You need to stop by meand.com.myc. As well as the BTG Group. We have some amazing guests that come through. You never know. Just make sure you tune in Thursday night, 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Go to AskNyomi.com and tell them I am a teacher. All right. Welcome back. Hey, hey, Dr. Will. It's so good to see you. This is a good day for us. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

[00:03:21] You know, during the break, my body was jittering a little bit. What happened? Did you drink enough water? Did you? Mm-hmm. But let's get it. You know how we do it. We're going to do a nice little grounded meditation to get me grounded. I think I'm just excited. I hadn't seen you in about two weeks. It has been a while. I'm going through a draw? Is that what that is? Emotional draw. I got you. I got you. All right, my beautiful people. You know how we do it.

[00:03:49] If you can just take a moment of time and close your eyes if you feel comfortable too. And I want you to take a deep breath in. Hmm. All right. Take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it for a moment. Now slowly release through your mouth. Now I want you to picture yourself standing inside of a circle of light.

[00:04:14] And this circle represents your space, your energy, and your peace. Now as you exhale, I want you to feel yourself expanding in love and self-respect. And as you exhale, I want you to release any guilt, obligation, or pressure that does not belong to you.

[00:04:43] Now repeat after me, either out loud or in your mind. My energy is sacred. I set boundaries with love. I honor my peace. Now take one more last deep breath in. And when you are ready, slowly open your eyes.

[00:05:13] All right, my beautiful people. If you are new here to the Season of Self Love Podcast, it's something that we do every day Monday through Friday just to help ground us before we get into the topic in hand. And I needed that. Actually, when I'm looking at my camera, my color came in right too. And that color popper. The things are changing. Right. That's the aura you said. Right. Yeah. All right, Dr. Wood.

[00:05:41] So this right here, boundaries. Lately, boundaries. B word. Yeah, the B word. It has been going around. You know, a lot of people have different understandings of what we should do with boundaries, especially now in this day and time. Um, so I'm going to, I'm going to ask you this. Can you break down the different types of boundaries for our listeners? Yes, of course.

[00:06:09] So the, I'm going to explain it first, the way that most people recognize it. Then I'm going to explain it the way that is the ideal boundary. And then I'm going to explain it in my way, which is more of an inside out perspective. So. So socially and more on the surface, boundaries are making provisions or differences or making a space between something so that you can no longer be affected by it.

[00:06:37] If I make a boundary, as long as I create the space or don't allow you to have access to me, then I'm creating a healthy boundary. That's how most people understand it. Then we have the second layer of this is you actually recognizing what is not good for you. So recognizing your triggers, recognizing the discomfort, recognizing the things that may cause discomfort or unease, um, which could lead to a disease. Right.

[00:07:07] Um, and it's always the preventative attitudinal way of just like being reactive rather than responsive. And then lastly, from the inside out, which is my way, it's, it's holding the awareness of your capacity and being able to articulate it in a way so that other people can learn from you rather than you having to always, um, be taught what you deserve.

[00:07:35] Um, and so for me, I hold it from a more accountable perspective rather than a reactive or preventative measure. Um, no, I'm just going to teach you who I am. So it's not even a question about the boundary that should be in place. Right. You know, thank you for sharing that. And I actually kind of agree with you on that one, but it took me a minute. I didn't get there till, and I'm going to be very honest last year, honestly, last year during the summertime, when I was going back home to visit my family.

[00:08:06] And remember, I've been going through a real spiritual cleansing, spiritual change. And so my surroundings had changed, you know, the relationships have changed, um, from everything that I've been reading and have been teaching, you know, self-help books. Um, I've been, I had learned then is to anything that is no longer aligned with me. I will block that, you know, never, you know, be all right. That's it. That's you, you know, just break it all.

[00:08:35] But I remember this particular day. Um, you know, I'm always good for signs and I heard, I heard something say untethered. And I'm like, okay, I hadn't quite finished the book until the souls by Michael a singer. I hadn't finished that book as of yet. And on this particular day, when I went to, I turned on my music, went to, you know, clean

[00:08:59] up my kitchen and I knew that I was going to go back to Chicago that, that, that weekend. So I was like two days away from me leaving and going. And I knew that it was so many people there that I really wanted to cut off. I thought they were very toxic. Um, I didn't want to go through the problems of having to show what my boundaries is. I just didn't want that whole thing. And so my prayer was at my altar was help to guide me to where I need to be, where I

[00:09:27] need to go, period. And that's what came to me, the untethered soul. So I started listening to it and listening to it. It was saying that do not avoid the conversation with someone when you have a disagreement, just like you said about, um, taking accountability for that interaction with both of you, that and that of the misunderstanding, whatever it is, because it does take two for that to happen.

[00:09:56] So the whole thing is that you now I I'm telling you exactly what I'm looking for in this relationship. And if you can't have this for me, then, then okay, you know, now it's more of a, um, a conversation that is more, um, giving to one another in hopefully to make each other accountable for

[00:10:21] that interaction or that misunderstanding or whatever it is in that, um, relationship, if that makes sense. So, and when I went home, it, it worked great. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It worked great. And you know, before this show, I was, I shared with you that one of our listeners that sent me a video of this young lady that was talking about the very thing that we're

[00:10:47] talking about now, how boundaries are, I'm going to say old school is taught old school ways is that you cut everybody off. Once they, you're not agreeing, you cut it right. You avoid the conflict. No, in today's time, we can't keep avoiding the conflict. We can't keep avoiding that. So I love that you said that because you know, me before the new year, I'm that was me doing an inside out cleansing.

[00:11:15] So I love this new technique that you got with the inside out. Um, yeah, I love that. You know, as we find that boundaries are particularly challenging for many of my clients, I got one in particular, and, um, I really wanted him to, to, to talk to you about some other things. And, um, and I'm trying to soften him up for that, but he often feel, and I, did I just say, yeah, I'm so sorry, baby, but he often feel guilty about saying no to additional commitments.

[00:11:46] Mm hmm. So how can he stop from feeling so guilty about those commitments? Yeah. The first thing I would to say is we have to empower transparency. A lot of times people feel unwilling, unable, incapable, or because of a pretense fear. And so it's really about what are you afraid you will no longer represent?

[00:12:13] And what do you, are you afraid of losing? Because of this, um, you know, just be, you know, when you have a shield, you're blocking for something coming at you, but we're talking about something that's coming from within you. And so you have to remove that shield to let it go. And so I'm wondering, what is it that you're not willing to let go of? And are you, and some people just aren't ready to be seen in that way because it's an old new beginning, right? It's a lesson that you have to live through.

[00:12:44] Mm hmm. So let me say this, because I just had a conversation before we got on the air and I had a conversation with my baby and it was a particular thing that he does when we're talking. And I remember asking him, what is that? And he said, it's nothing. You know, cause you do it often. So, you know,

[00:13:13] But you would say it that way though. But you would say it that way. What is that? You know, what is, what is that? And, and, and, you know, and it was like nothing. And, you know, and as I said it, you know how you can see yourself saying something, not meaning it that way, but then you could know that person on the other end is receiving it exactly the way that they just heard it. And so it was like a defensive thing. And it was like, so not only that, but it was like, first, my question was that I just,

[00:13:41] you know, go into his boundaries too much, you know, then I said, hold on, on this. My man, he ain't no boundaries. What boundaries you got? What boundaries you got? I can't ask you what that was that you just did. What got? Well, then as we continue to talk, as we continue to talk, he did it again. And I'm like, okay.

[00:14:09] And you know, you, I try not to sit and analyze nobody. Cause I'm going through my healing. I'm deep in mind and loving it all. And so I said, okay, hold on. I said, you ain't hear that. Transparency. Transparency. Right. And it was like, mm-mm. And then his mm-mm. You can tell that the, the, the, this is in the mm-mm. So I said, okay. So I go to say something that guess what? That bring that back up again.

[00:14:38] And he said, well, this is why I, why you just didn't say that in the first place. I have no gripes. I want to know what you feel. I want to know what you feel because I want to know how to move forward with this. So when you talked about in the beginning about understanding in not only being accountable, but also understanding who it is that I'm having a relationship. You said transparency. Let's be honest. Why, why you couldn't just say that's what that was. You think I'm gonna love you any less or respect you any less?

[00:15:08] I don't understand what that is. Yeah, no, yes. A lot of, a lot of, a lot of men specifically, they will, they will, they use honesty and lying as the same thing. It's, it's, it's, it's honesty and lying is a form of influence. So influence is supposed to be in their favor. I'm being honest with you so I can gain your favor. I'm lying to you so I don't lose your favor. Right. Right.

[00:15:32] But transparency is saying, this is a level of vulnerability that I feel powerless in and I don't know if you have my best interest at heart, because I don't know if I'm going to win or not. Because that is a thing a lot of men go through a lot. And when they learn how to actually speak upfront about something, then it's a little more security but there's too much emotional uncertainty for them to articulate what is emotionally happening right now. Hmm. Yeah. Interesting.

[00:16:02] Hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. So I would have, I would have asked them like, you know, I would have been like, I noticed that you I but and statement, right? I would have the I but and statement. I noticed that you did this and this, but I feel like I should hear more about how you feel and I'm wondering if you had time to talk about that. I but and. That's it. I acknowledge. This is how I feel. And I'm open to understanding. I but and.

[00:16:32] It works every time I can say it in every situation in my life. It works, but it's a muscle. But it's opening up the avenue for communication. And that's a lot of times we don't have that in boundaries. Yeah. And actually I did something like that. Oh, yeah. I and that's why he opened up and told me what it was. But I guess. And so let me say this because we are not perfect. So I do tend to as we are in a relationship together for over 20 something years. So I. Oh, wow. You should know who I am as I know who you are.

[00:17:02] So let's work with this together. All right. So everybody that's listening to me in this aspect. And I love when you say about the man that does that. I guess my question is, is why? Hmm. Hmm. We have time for that. That's that's a deep question.

[00:17:25] I was like, oh, I was like, that's a that's a really deep heavy question you just asked, because you're you're acknowledging not only patriarchy, but you're acknowledging what men have gone through, not even realizing that that that's what they've become. Yeah. Like men, men are not able to be the thing that they truly are in their hearts.

[00:17:48] They've always had to be the best representation, the best image, the best athlete, the best CEO, the best king, like the ruler, the leader, the you know, all these words that represent all these forms of status. But it's never asked about how they feel like for an example, like this is gonna sound funny, but like we always ask where's Waldo? But we never ask how is Waldo doing? He's probably running away from people because he don't want to be found. Waldo wants to be alone.

[00:18:16] You know, so it's one of those things where we don't get to check in on men and men don't get to check in on themselves. And then men externalize their needs. And that might be at the use in the hands of some other people in their lives or things that don't really give emotional security. And so that articulation can be literally a weaponizing situation against them because then you're taking away the image I was supposed to represent to you. And it's like, I don't have it in me to deal with that.

[00:18:45] So I'd rather just avoid or go, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm good. No, you're not good. Right. No, you're not good. Right. What's really going on. Mm hmm. Yeah. That is so interesting because I see a lot of men around in my life that that very thing. But what I did learn is that they opened up to me more than anybody because I can. I sit and I listen and I.

[00:19:13] I really want to know how you feel. I really want to know who you are. Deep to that core. You understand what I'm saying? And so. Yeah. I don't look at I've never looked at outer beauty. Does that make sense? Or outer handsomeness? Never. I've always looked at the deeper beauty within one spirit in one soul all the time.

[00:19:38] So it doesn't make a difference on what this outer shell because I also wore out of shell to protect that inner, you know, person in me. You know what I'm saying? So as I continue to get older and grow, not only in life, but in spirit, I am more open than I understand what boundaries are meaning to me, but also in reciprocate to others.

[00:20:04] So when I shared that conversation with me, with you about me and my man, I knew I had to find the right words to be able to say to him where he is comfortable enough to open up. But then the human side of me, that ego gets in the way. It's like, well, damn, we've been, like I said, we've been together for over 20 years. Mm hmm. I would never harm you in that way. You understand? So, you know, as you want me to be protected.

[00:20:32] And this is for all of the listeners that's listening right now too, because I know this is probably a very big thing in communities all over the world when we talking about relationships, whether it's a lover, whether it's sisters, brothers, you know, whatever. It's hard for us to be able to trust others with our emotions and our feelings. And sometimes with our voices, you know, we seem like, you know, if I say this, then they're going to use that against me, you know, to weaponize me. Mm hmm.

[00:21:01] It was something that you had said when you said about the lie and the truth. Yes. It's forms of influence. Yes. When you said that, I look, well, I was like, wow. Okay. That is understandable. But then my question again is why? Why is it like that? You know, why? Mm hmm. Let me, let me write that down because that is a whole nother. Mm hmm. I thought I said like, we got time for this. I was like, that's why I was worried. I was like, oh.

[00:21:31] No, we're not going to talk about that today, but we're going to come back to that. Yeah. At another time for a special show because I really should. That's definitely something that we should touch base on. You know, I think a lot, a lot of my clients are mostly men. I'm more men than it is women. And that's. I have more women as clients. Yeah. A lot of, a lot of women's clients and a lot of men reach out to me in my, in my DMS, ask

[00:22:01] me questions, but they don't want the therapy, but they just want to talk to somebody. So you want me to do groups. Essentially men want me to do groups, but women want one on one individual work. Well, you know what? That is so, that is so strange. And I'm not trying to be funny, but with me, it's the opposite is women. Either they don't want to hear me or it's a group versus way in the men. Yeah. They want to, you know, talk and they're more vulnerable to, which was very surprising

[00:22:29] that they're more vulnerable to speak and talk with me. Yeah. Yeah. It could that be, and this is to, could this be on a, um, a man on man type of power that I don't want that man to see me in as they. Accountability. Cause that accountability, like, you know, we, I know the expectation, you know, the expectation. I'm not here to be scolded by no dude. Right. It's like that discipline, that obedience, um, trigger and that's ego though. Right.

[00:22:58] That's ego and the fear of how are you going to take advantage of the situation that I'm in knowing I'm coming from a lower place than you. But the truth is I'm right with you. Right. But they have to get to that place. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Over time they do get it and then they love it. You know, you know, I got a lot of artists, male, male artists that are here now. Mm. Hmm. That's good. That's good. All right. So let's do this. Let's explore the connection more deeply. So how does setting boundaries relate to self love?

[00:23:28] Hmm. So the real question is how much are you willing to compromise yourself and how much are you willing to cost yourself in your heart and the way you love. And many times we don't recognize that people have a cost. And so when you don't know your worth, you don't know how much you're really spending on yourself.

[00:23:51] And so I've been with people where I can give them a hundred dollars every day and then I can give them a million dollars and the next day they're going to ask you for a hundred dollars. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much money I have. They're always used to never having. Mm. So it's recognizing what I have and also recognizing what they actually deserve in that process, too.

[00:24:16] Because I know that there is a compromise and eventually I'm going to compromise my own integrity. So it's really about a talk about valuing yourself and the integrity you're willing to have in that relationship with them. We don't really get to have that conversation with people when it comes to protecting your peace of that. Hmm. I actually like that. I do. My little wheels are turning right now. Oh, no. Again?

[00:24:47] I'm trying to keep it too well. I saw the eye twitch. I saw the eye. You do the eye thing. You have that eye thing. I'm like, oh, she went somewhere. She went somewhere. I knew it. We will come on back here. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. I'm here. All right. So let me ask you this. Could you share some examples of situations where boundaries are especially important? Yes. Let's let's we can do let's do personal professional and relational. Right.

[00:25:17] So on a start professional on professional level, it's knowing that, you know, the image that you created as a professional, you know, the way we are in the workforce. And then when you're around people of, you know, your culture, you know, there's a language. Right. We code switch. Right. And then when do you know when to code switch? When do you know that to when to take it off? And does everybody understand when? Right.

[00:25:45] There are always unwritten rules professionally. Right. Right. And so it's you being able to recognize your environment. Sometimes it's not about who you are. It's about where you are. And does your environment support the difference? Right. So that's the first one is just knowing your environment. Right. That's the first part of the boundary. And what's expected in that. Two. Personally. Right.

[00:26:11] Are you willing to understand how far you will go with somebody? What are your non negotiables? And also, are you okay with showing people who you actually really are? A lot of us, we talk about boundaries. We want the comfort of people's presence. Sometimes the comfort of having people around us means more than what we actually believe in. And so that is also like, are you willing to really be yourself authentically?

[00:26:40] And a lot of us aren't ready to do that because it means that we'll lose the convenience rather than the quality. And then relationally, it's really about, are you willing to be vulnerable? And it sounds easy, but when you put yourself vulnerable, it means that you're allowing that person's influence or their behavior to have an impact on your wellness. Do you trust that person well enough to affect your wellness? And that's a yes or a no.

[00:27:10] You know, those three things that you said are very expensive. And I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna tell you why. It was one thing that you said when you talked about cold switching. And I was just going back in my mind. And I remember at a point in time that I used to do a lot of cold switching in my life. Yeah. Oh my God, do a lot of cold switching in my life. I found myself now that I don't do cold switching. I am just who I am now. But it took me over 50 years to get there. Yeah.

[00:27:40] I had to confront somebody about that actually. There was a very well off gentleman who was, you know, runner CEO and I was working with him. And he was listening to a presentation and the person had a very strong southern drawl. And he started, you know, there's, he was saying some, you know, some accents and like some languages, you know, southern folk. They got words that we just don't say up here. I'm a Yankee. You know, like, that's what it is. So I'm just listening.

[00:28:09] But to me, it's normal because, you know, my family speaks like that. So I was just, okay, I get it. But he made the comment of how did this person get on this stage? I wonder how much they're paying them. I can't believe this. And I, and I, and normally I'd be like, because I know that they're in a higher position than me. I would be like, oh yeah, yeah, it's terrible. You know, but I was like, no, I'm going to, I'm going to do it this time. Yeah.

[00:28:35] So I went to them and I said, I'm like, oh, I thought you, what's your degree in? Little business marketing and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, oh, they didn't, they didn't, they didn't teach you how to translate English. This is, this is African-American vernacular English. It's also the slang term of Ebonics. But yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm translating for you right now in white, but I'm speaking, but this is, that's just AAVE. If you need me to help translate it for you, just let me know.

[00:29:04] I don't mind picking that apart for you. You know? And I went back to watching and he was like, you know, so I was doing like the weird grunt thing, you know? And, you know, and it was interesting to be able to think like, we have been taught that our dialect is not as superior. Yeah. But then as, as, as black folk, we've also been able to use both languages and create new languages. Yes. You know, and be, make it translatable. Now everybody says cool.

[00:29:33] Yeah. Why are you saying cool in the email? It's unprofessional. Mm hmm. Or are you just not intelligent enough or diverse enough or educated enough to translate English? Mm hmm. Right. It's like, how, how mean do you want to get about it? And so for me, it's really about, are you willing, are you willing to listen? Mm hmm. And do you have the capacity to understand? Yeah. So I think just the code switching aspect is like, I'm over it.

[00:29:59] You know, there's nothing, there's nothing I can, you know, at this point, if you don't understand, like, get AI. Do Google translate. Like we have, we have technology now. Yeah. You should be educated enough to figure it out at this point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:30:14] You know, as when you, when you, when you speak of that and just, just making notice of that judgment or picking someone apart, because you feel like they really, honestly, you're kind of jealous that they're living in their truth and they're being authentically them. And you probably spent a whole lot of money to be able to. Exactly. Say as someone else and not as your authentic self. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

[00:30:44] And so I'm going to be very honest with you all. When I first came to do the season of self love, I was fine with ask Naomi because that is where my whole ground is. Now I'm coming into a whole new thing where now I'm talking about self love. I'm talking about Billy. I'm talking about all of these things. And so what if you guys can remember, if you read from day one, it was just me by myself and then Dr. Will came and it's just him and I. But then when I got the urge to bring in guests.

[00:31:11] I remember being very nervous on speaking to professionals. Yeah. I was like, really? Oh yeah. Let me tell you something. Listen, when you are going through and you are things that trigger you. People say, Naomi, you are very confident. Yeah, I am. But shit, there are times I do have those moments when I be like, wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

[00:31:36] And I remember the very first, that the very first interview that I had, and it was a blessing that it was another woman of color is a black woman. And I remember, you know, talking to her and we just had, we were just talking like two sisters just talking and I was cool. Then the next one was a black brother. I was like, okay. So then my next one was, you know, professionally white people that came then.

[00:32:01] And I said, I remember before I sat there and I was like, who going to show up? Who is going to show up? You did all of this work for someone different to show up. And when I showed up as my authentic self, sometimes not able to pronounce some of those words or stumbling across my words, but trusting that this is who I am. Yes.

[00:32:30] And as I was doing that, that was like, actually, they were able to drop down their walls and they came in to this. Yes. Like, okay, this is all right. This is cool. Like, no, we're not, you know, shirt and tie and, and, you know, all of that. And that made it feel so real and authentic for me going through.

[00:32:53] And it was like, my goal in life is to make sure that our listeners hear that, that we have this relationship with them as guests, as therapists, as, you know, just me, the host, that they can know like, okay, I can really be safe. I can actually go there and be vulnerable because I see the, the vulnerability.

[00:33:18] I see the authenticity, not only in Naomi, but even in Dr. Will, not even in Dr. Will, but also in this guest that came in is that they, they sit and they tell their stories, but then they tell how they got through it. Like, it ain't no, you know, big words that they send because honestly, don't nobody understand those big words in real terms. Yeah. You know? Exactly. Yeah. And that's why I don't, I don't correct people anymore.

[00:33:43] And when, even like in my, in my therapy sessions, I don't correct my clients when they say things wrong or they grammatically say something wrong or they name something that's not the actual thing. And I know what they meant. Yeah. If I know, if I know what they meant, then I'll keep the flow of the conversation because that's more relational. And then if I can't figure it out, I'll ask, can you, I don't know what this means. Can you, can you define that for me so I can understand is they said what they needed to say. Yeah. I didn't understand it.

[00:34:13] I have to ask for clarity because I didn't understand it. Not because they were wrong. Yeah. Right. And so it's changing the way we've listened to each other is so gratifying in their whole aspect of healing. So it was like allowing that flower to really bloom for itself rather than clipping it before it's even open. You have to. Yeah.

[00:34:32] You know, and, and, and even what I was just talking right now, that actually helping with setting the boundaries for ourself and knowing when to allow those boundaries to open up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I, I, I hate to say this, but when it comes to boundaries, we've been taught to be so defensive. And I'm really trying to teach people to be receptive to people's boundaries. Yeah.

[00:35:01] Their boundaries are meant for them to be their themselves, not for them to be for you. Yeah. And so you can't take someone's boundaries personal. And if you do ask yourself, what did I deserve from them that they didn't give me? Yeah. It's like, yeah. What are you looking for? Yeah. Yeah. That is so true. That is so true. So let's do this. Let's have a little fun.

[00:35:29] Let's do role playing just to show our listeners on how to happen. I always want to be there after. I never made it. All right. So I'll be an employee. Okay. Who manages keep texting me about work issues on the weekend. All right. Mm-hmm. All right. So you ready? All right. Action. All right.

[00:35:53] So for me, he keeps texting me and I don't want to do this. Like, why do you keep texting me on the weekend? He know I am off on this day. Mm-hmm. I'm curious. Is that your work husband? No. Mm-hmm. Okay. Is... How did you all... How did he get your number in the first place? Well, through a group chat. We all have numbers just in case of emergencies, but it seemed like that I am the only one that

[00:36:22] he texts us throughout the weekend. Mm-hmm. Okay. So this sounds like principle three of my healing program. Limitations and application. So it sounds like you need to state your limitations so he can apply himself. So, hey, we're on the weekends. I don't talk to anybody about work, nothing about work. So, you know, I'll see you on Monday.

[00:36:51] You don't have to explain anything to say this is what I do on the work. It's not about you. It's about me. Boundaries aren't about what he's doing. It's about what you need. Risa, let me ask you this because that is great advice there. So in particular, if it's someone who are in fear of losing their job, because you know at times that the hierarchy can make that smaller person feel just even that small. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm.

[00:37:20] So even society going on right now, everybody is losing their jobs. Period. Period. So how can a person be authentic in their thing, but also be able to share their boundaries? How can they get to that point to where I'm texting that person and saying, hey, this is my weekend. You know, this is, I don't, I don't work on my weekend, such and such and such. You know, how can they get to that point?

[00:37:49] Because it's easy for us to tell them that is what to do, but how can they get there? Yeah. If that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for saying it like that. So I would actually acknowledge, so when they're texting me, is it about work or is it about what they're feeling about work? Before I answer that. Mm-hmm. It's a combination of both. Okay. Cool. So for me, it's more of a professional boundary rather than a personal.

[00:38:17] It sounds more professional than personal. Mm-hmm. And so what I would do is actually be more proactive about the situation. So I would say, hey, I want to talk about this too later. Schedule something with me during the weekday and make a note about it. Mm-hmm. That's professional, very black and white. And even though you might be the boss, I need you to do the professional chain of command. Yeah. Right? So always going back to the ethical approach to it all.

[00:38:47] You can never go wrong with that. I don't know. And also if it's a problem, then you go to HR and then you bring it up. Right. So I'm just saying. It's that simple. You got receipts. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Thank you for that. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's happened before. Yeah. I like that. I wish I would have had. I remember working at Bridgestone Firestone. Mm-hmm. Working. Yeah. I used to work in a building department. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

[00:39:17] I used to work in a building department. So I used to work. Ooh, it took all my money. Yeah, I was cool. It took all my money. It's expensive. Ooh, it got me good. And so we used to work with a lot of truck drivers that used to come in all the time. And I would have to, you know, give them their billing for the different companies and stuff like that. So I'm, you know, I'm around a whole bunch of men. And I remember the conversations that used to happen at that window. And people don't understand that I truly do have a trucker's mouth.

[00:39:45] So I can get down with the best of them. I'm South Sacramento all day. So I can get down there with them. Ooh. And just the look on their faces when they would say something like I didn't hear them. And I would come back and they was like, oh my goodness. And then from there on, it's like we built this respectable relationship, you know, from there. Yeah, right. Kid, kid, kid.

[00:40:13] But it was more of a playful, you know, type of thing. Now, I have that relationship with them. Now we have another young lady who is in HR. Well, she's like manager in HR. She was HR. And she wasn't kid like that. She wasn't like that. And I remember this particular young, this particular young man. He was very nice to all of the women in the building. So he would give us flowers, candy.

[00:40:43] You know, just an older type of man. But I call him a young man. But it was an older type, you know, old. And she took it as, you know, he's trying to come on to me. Yeah. And we was like, no, he does that with everybody. That is just who he is. But then it comes out that she felt like every man there was trying to talk to her, trying to holler at her.

[00:41:10] And it was becoming an issue that they actually had got rid of another manager that said, you know, and so it was like, wow. But when you sit down and you have this conversation with that person, it was like me, me, me. I, I, I. You know, and I remember looking like, wow. Wow. I wonder if she truly understand how she comes not only across the others, but how unhealed

[00:41:38] and unhinged this is when it's dealing with relationships on how to receive them, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not trying to be funny. I don't want to, I'm not going to, I can't disclose too much, but this happens a lot even as a, as a healer, right? I have clients, especially a lot of women that will think that my ability to be emotionally

[00:42:04] present is me hitting on them or my ability to be emotionally articulate and holding space means that I'm coming onto them. And so if I don't do something that they like or something that they want, it's that it's a switch. It's a quick switch. And it's like, that was never present. Like you're just so deprived of how you have never had something consistent or genuine towards you. Now everything I do is overly done to you.

[00:42:32] When for me, this is just another Tuesday. Right. And so that is a, that is a really hard thing where the boundaries get crossed because they don't want to have to sit with their own suffering. And that's, and that's a hard thing that the boundaries are so important, especially as healers, as you know, like it's so important. Yeah, it is. It is. You know, thank you for sharing that story as well. Okay. I have another question for you.

[00:42:57] How do a person maintain their boundaries when someone keeps pushing against them? Hmm. When you say pushing against somebody that can mean about four different things. So, so for me, if someone is just infringing on a boundary, you can't let them learn you. You have to teach them who you are and to teach them who you are.

[00:43:20] It might mean having a sit down and saying, Hey, you're doing this behavior and this is causing me to do this. I am. And my intention is to keep you around in my life, but I can't keep you around my life if these things are happening. And so it's literally listing out like, you will lose me if you do these things. And then if they do them, you have to call it. Right.

[00:43:48] And then that means you have to emotionally prepare yourself for the detachment. And a lot of us are not willing to detach. Right. So then we just kind of tolerate and endure. And then we start turning into something that we don't even want to be. Right. Hmm. You know, cause I'm ready to go down out here, but we ain't even got time to go down that rabbit hole. Nope. Don't do it. Please.

[00:44:16] No, we're not going to do it today, but I'm definitely making note of that because I do want to go down there one day. I do want to go down there that mountain one day. All right, my beautiful people. So as we wrap up today's episode, let's do a, um, actually I didn't do that. I wanted to do a final grounding meditation, but would you like to just guide us through to, to leave us out, wrap the whole month off? This has been a, a, an amazing month here that we had. Yeah.

[00:44:43] Could you do the honors just to wrap us up with a nice little guided meditation and take us out? Yeah, I could do that. I'd love to. I got you. Yeah. So let's ground, relax our bodies, relax our posture, relax our stomach. Allow breathing to enter into our nose, out with our mouth. Allow your breath to be the finish line of this month.

[00:45:11] Allow your breath to be the finish line of this month. Each moment you breathe, you are reminded of the accomplishments, the new goals, the preparation for spring, the things that you are going to be committing to. There have been so many world events.

[00:45:37] And allowing yourself to be still in the midst of all this transition is a sign that you're ready for this spring. You are currently in the transitioning of your blossoming. Deep breath in with your nose, out with your mouth. You are currently in the transitioning of your blossoming. To be reminded, the flower never tells you when it blooms.

[00:46:06] So always be ready as you move forward. Deep breath in with your nose, out with your mouth. Your breath is the beginning of your next journey. Slowly come back. Beautiful. Thank you, Dr. Will. Of course. Thank you, Dr. Will. And thank you for your thoughts today. This was a good one. Yeah, this was a good one.

[00:46:36] This was good. Really educational. Yeah. So do you have any last words for the listeners today? Yes. Be kind to yourself and heal always. I know that's right. All right, my beautiful people. So don't forget to download our copy of the Year of Rebirth Workbook for more exercises on boundary setting and self-compassion. And, you know, next week we're going to be diving into a whole new series. Letting Go. Yes. Letting Go, Eliminate Belief the whole entire month.

[00:47:06] I'm excited for this one. Yeah. That's perfect timing. Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So until then, this is Naomi Banks. And I'm just reminding you to protect your peace. It's not just a right. It's an act of suffering. Keep nurturing those boundaries and beautiful souls. Have an amazing day. Thank you for joining us on this journey of discovering and empowerment here at the Season of Self-Love Podcast.

[00:47:32] Remember, embracing self-love is a continuous journey and we're so glad to have you with us. So if you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a review. And don't forget to join our community on Facebook at Season of Self-Love. Connect with like-minded individuals who are also on their self-love journey. Now, if you have any questions or topics that you'd like for us to explore, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at seasonofselflove at gmail.com.

[00:48:01] And let your voice be heard. So until next time, take a moment for yourself today. And remember, you are worthy of love, joy, and all the beautiful things that life has to offer.