Healing Beyond Betrayal: Decoding Clarity & Empowered Decisions with Mike Fink

Welcome to the Season and Self Love Podcast. I am your host, Namibanks, and I am thrilled to have you joined me on this transformative journey. You see, every day we dive into a powerful conversation about self discovery, healing and empowerment. This podcast is brought to you by ax Naomi and Elevate Me Self Discovery what we believe that loving yourself is the first step to live in a fulfilling life. You can expect insightful discussions, practical tips, and inspiring stories. Plus were occasionally welcome special guests who will share their unique perspectives on self love and personal growth. So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage, and let's embark on this journey together. Because it's time to embrace the beautiful person that you are. So let's elevate our lives one episode of time. Now, let's get started. But I love my beautiful souls and come back to the Season of Selfala podcast. I'm your host Namibanks, and today we are diving in a deeper into our series of healing Beyond the Betrayal. We're exploring how to reclaim your power and making power decisions after betrayal. So joining us today is the brilliant Mike Fake. He's as a renowned author and coach who will share his innovative approach to decision making, especially when it comes to navigating the complexity of divorce. But before we bring Mike up to let's take. A quick break out right. It's Gurny got his Namy Banks here on the Season of Self Love podcast. You will be right. Hate, my beautiful souls, this is your good he God is Namibanks, and I am excited to share something special with you, introducing my ladies, Eba wilbook Healing Beyond the Betrayal. A journey of growth, empowerment, and renewal. In these fifty five pages, I offer you insight, heartfelt stories and practical worksheets designed to guide you on your healing. So if you experience betrayal or you are. Seeking personal growth, this resources make just for you. You see, it's time to be claim your power? Can it brace renew So you. Can get your copy by visiting the Season of Self Love podcast dot com And as a thank you for being part of our community, use the Cold Healed zero now and check out to enjoy a fifteen percent Disney So let's embark on this journey together because you deserve to heal growth in the right. Are you ready to transform your pain into power? Join us this September for the thirty day Healing Beyond Betrayal Challenge from Her to Hope. Starting September first, embark on a journey of healing and self discovery. Each day, you'll receive empowering lessons, practical exercises, supportive community connections designed to help you overcome the hurt of betrayal and reclaim your joy. Don't let betrayal define your story. It's time to rise and heal and rebuild a brighter future. Sign up today at the Season of Self Love podcast dot com. All right, well, welcome back to this Isn't a Stephaler podcast. I am your host, Nami. Banks, and today we're going deeper into our series topic this looks about hell and beyond betrayal. Today we are talking to Michael fit about de coding, clarity and empowered decisions after betrayal. Mister Fink, Mike, are you. I'm delighted to be here. Thanks for having me, Thank you, thank you. I'm excited. What stood out to me most of all is that your dedication to women understanding or you're understanding of women more to help more coming from a main point of view. So I love that aspect of it and I think it'd be quite fitting for our series this month. But before we get really into it, what I want to do is I want to just start off with a nice grounded meditation before we start, all right, So my listener is if you all can get comfortable at this moment and at this time, and please close your eyes, find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down, and generally close your eyes. Now I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose, filling your lungs completely, and I. Want you to hold it for a moment. Now, exhale slowly through your mouth, letting go of any tensional stress. Now, I want you to imagine a warm and soothing light surrounding you. With this light, this light represents love, acceptance, and strength. Allow this light to develop you, fill you your heart with peace and resilience. And with each. Inhale draw and positivity, and with each exhale released out, I want you to hold on to this feeling of empowerment as we explore today's topic and when you are ready until really open your eyes and return to. The present moment. All right, my beautiful people, thank you for joining me in that moment for reflection. And if you knew here to the season a Suppler podcast. It's something that we do every day Monday through Friday, is that we do a nice guided meditation just to get us into get us prepared for the topic in hand. And I am so excited for this. So, Mike, your journey has taken you across the continents, more continents than we can even imagine, so shape in a very unique perspective a personal development. So could you share with us what. Was the pivoted, pivotal experiences that led you to create the decoding grid. That's a great question. So I've been in the field of personal development for twenty and a half decades. I have a master's in psychology from Yale. All good and nice, but really it's only when you live through your own experiences that your wounds can become your gift. Right. So in the first part of my careers, I was helping people achieve goes to programs that I created, and then at some point I got into a business relationship. There was a fifty to fifty business relationship ship, and the first five years were great, but the following five years were absolutely hell, because all of a sudden, we started seeing things differently. The business had to change, we had to reinvent ourselves, and it became very very clear that we had different bodies, that we're going into different directions, that what we thought was best in terms of our vision for the future and our clients was completely different. And this is where the struggle began. We were arguing more and more often screaming at each other. And that's when I realized that I had become trapped in a situation that was not so much that I was unhappy in my relationship, but that the problem that I was facing most was the indecision about what to do with my relationship, even though it was a business relationship. Is it my fault? Is it his fault? Am I right? Is he wrong? Is he right? Am I wrong? What if I decided to leave the relationship and then I have to start from scratch, you know, I would have to buy him out. They were all these unknowns, and I was so afraid. I was so anxious. I was stuck. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't sleep, I burned out. My quality of life was horrible. And what I discovered and through my own experiences that in decision is actually incredibly debilitating, and I wouldn't have not understand it if I hadn't experience it. It can affect your mental focus, your sleep, your energy levels, your mental health, your emotions, you're eating habits, your exercising habits, even your relationship, your social interactions, or if you have kids, even your your relationship with your kids, because you are not able to be fully present and engaged with them, because in the back of your mind there's always those wheels turnings like should I stay, should I go? Am I doing the right thing? And our brain craves closure and when it cannot have it, it gets an overdrive and almost burned out. So that was kind of the beginning of the pain. But then it became so bad. And it happened also at the same time when I hit my fiftieth birthday, when I did a life review, and that's when I looked at the decisions that I had made in my life previously, and thankfully I had developed a process that helped me make good decisions. But for some reason, I did not apply that process to deciding really fully whether I should get into that fifty to fifty relationship, which was almost a marriage, not a relationship, couple's marriage, but it was a business marriage. And when I decided to finally apply my own medicine, I went from being anxious, confused, burned out to oh, now I know I had my head aligned with my heart, align with my got It became so clear that in terms of what I had to do, and suddenly I could face all the challenges, all the difficulties of the separation, of buying out, of having to start from scratch, of having to sell an asset, and of being financially depleted, but I just knew it was the right thing. And at that point I thought, you know, this is interesting. I went from five years of pain and misery to feeling good, knowing that I can figure things out. And it wasn't betrayal in the direct sense that you know, he had an affair with another person, but in a way I felt betrayed because I thought we had shared or shared a set of values now and that clarity finally allowed me to move forward. And when I discovered that when I had that experience, I said, okay, I have healed myself, but can I help others? And then my brother in law was going through some very difficult times in terms of indecisions. He had to make some very difficult decisions regarding his career as a doctor. He had been stuck in the decisions for two years. He had anxiety, nausea, he felt like vomiting all the time, and he was thinking about it, and I thought, let me try. So I did a session and with them, I applied my process and in two hours he went from confusion and anxiety to clarity and certainty. And it was he told me, Wow, it was like I had been stuck in a pitch dark room, bumping myself against the furniture, and then you turned on the light, and now I can see and I can move freely. Right. So I realized the power of clarity to give you certainty so that you can move beyond betrayal, You can move beyond indecision, and you can create a better future. Does that make sense that? I mean, yeah, it does. It makes a lot of sense. I know a lot of times with me that I sometimes get that blockage and not understanding what that blockage is, you know, once you go through this self love, this healing process, and you think you've gotten through and then all of a sudden, here comes something and he's. Like, well, okay, I thought I got through that, and it's. Then it's something else, you know, and so I totally understand where that block has come from, and it's and when you spoke. About your partnership, how that first five years was great. But as what I've learned, especially when you're in a relationship with anybody, is. That as you grow, you both grow differently. So what your values were starting off was sometimes it's not always like that. It's the funny thing that we talk about all the time about report showing up as a representative just to be in a relationship with someone, whether it's a dating relationship or a partnership or relationship. Sometimes when we figure when we get into that relationship, we can change or hopefully they will come on my side, and you know, like that, you know from there. So when you were saying about the sense of betrayal, I kind of felt that, I kind of felt that in a way that no going in being excited about this, about about this project, about what you're doing, and then as the company is growing and everything is happening, and then you see that person kind of moving away, and I'm gonna say this, I see a sense. Of two betrayals. One you like I really should leave this, and not knowing and being undecisivele what you're doing, and that's as a sense. Of betraying of yourself. But then also like man, I thought this is what we had together. I thought we were on the same waveland, you know, together for that. So I totally understand everything that you were saying right there. But my thing is, how can we get through it? What are the tools? How are we getting through that? That's a great question. Now I'm going to give you some specific tools because then I decided to help women considering divorce who were stucking in decisions for years, sometimes decades because they were afraid of making a mistake they would regret. And this is key I'm going to talk about that for so I developed that process to help them make clarity and certainty. And now in thirty days or less, I can actually help them because I'm going to show the exact same tools that I guide them through. But the first thing you need to understand that I mean is that when people are stuck, whether it's because they betrayed or because they're not sure what to do. Is there is a programming, a biological programming in their brain that stops them from taking action, that keeps them stuck in the status quo. So I have here a little model of the brain for the people who are just listening to the podcast. You know, you can imagine the brain as a cone of ice cream with three scoops of ice cream on top of it, right, And the first code, first scoop is what it is called the primal brain. The second one is the emotional brain, and the last one is the rational brain. And this primal brain is important because it's the part of our brain in charge of our surve bible and think about the decisions such as divorce or whether it's you know, should I break the relationship, which is a business ownership of any decision that has a very high cost of failure in the case of divorce or moving on. It affects you and other people, your kids, your spouse, your family, maybe you friends. It affects you on many different fronts psychological, emotional, financial, professional, social, and it affects you for many years to come or even the rest of your life. On top of that, it's a decision that is pretty much irreversible. Once you pull the trigger, it's hard to come back right. So it's very high stakes, and unless you have absolute certainty that is the right decision, your brain will say, hey, all your horses when in doubt, wait it out. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't, because even though your situation might be miserable, at least your brain knows that you've been able to come with it. You're still alive. But it could be way worse. Does that make sense? Yeah? Oh, most definitely. Yeah. Okay, So how do you get over that kind of status school that paralysis? The answer, the antidote to the indecision and paralysis is certainty. And the way to get certainty is by having clarity. Now, I'll give you some examples. You talk about the betrayal, and there are two ways to get over vitrailed. Number one is if I felt betrayed, am I in a position to actually move on? And then step number two, how can I best move on? So I don't repeat the same insafe on the past, or I create a better futures So that I can make sure that the grass will be greener on the other side. And in order for you to have that certainty, you need to have clarity, because for some people in their relationship, there are what I call instant deal breakers. That means that something happened and they were done. Maybe it was that their spouse cheated, or maybe it was that he went gambling and lost you know, the kids' money for the college at the casino, or maybe they started doing drugs, or maybe they became physically abusive. Something so powerful happened that that one thing was you know what, that's it. I'm done. Now you are trade. But in a way, you can move to that step forward. From that step one, I'll be true because you have that certainty. Unfortunately, a lot of women considering divorce don't have that certainty. A lot of them tell me, you know what, Mike, I wish my husband or my spouse was a jerk. And what they're really saying is that I wish he was such a bad person, because in that sense, I would know exactly what certainty you want to do. But when that spouse is not a monster, that's when you are cut into well, who knows, maybe things can improve. Well, who knows things can change, and hope is almost infinite, right, Unfortunately, that's not a strategy. And as long as you don't make a decision, technically speaking, you haven't made a mistake. But when you pull the trigger, especially because in a situation like a relationship, things usually get worse before they get better, right, Like, if you think about renovating a bathroom, you have to tear it down before we can rebuild it as a more beautiful bathroom. And the consequences are so heavy that if you make a decision, that's when you put yourself in a position to face the consequences, to be blamed, to blame yourself, to be blamed by your kids, by your spouse, to other people. Whereas if you kind of say you know, I'm still thinking about it and see stuck in the statoscope, technically speaking, you haven't made a mistake, and speaking, you can keep going and at least have the hope that things will get better. Does that make sense, Yes, it does. Okay, So now let me give you the piece and I can get quite passionate. So if there's you think there's a part of why you want to step into this, feel fit. So the first thing is to understand what how can we get clarity? And the first step is to get all the pieces of the puzzle. Imagine having a jigsa puzzle and you only have, you know, two hundred pieces out of one thousand pieces, how likely are you going to be to figure out the big picture? Not at all? Right, Okay? And it's the same thing is that usually people do not consider all the things that are important to them in a relationship. I remember this client. Her name was Felicia. Her husband betrayed her. She found that that he had been cheating on her, even when she was pregnant. It happened several times for the relationship, and then he came to her and said, no, no, I'm so sorry, it's not going to happen again. He went to a sex addiction support group supposedly to get better, but in spite of that, she found out he had cheated again. She was devastated, as you can imagine. But at the same time, they had a son, and she kept thinking, yes, I can't take this anymore. He has cheated on me, but he's such a great dad. And her mind was focused only on her hand, on these two big things, great dad, terrible husband, and she was not considering all the pieces of the puzzle. And this happens especially when there is one aspect in the relationship of your spouse that is extreme. I call this being blinded by the intense. Maybe your spouse is a fantastic provider or fantastic lover, or has a great sense of humor, this one quality that stands out so big that you think, wow, you forget about the rest now, Knowomi, Whenever you think about a relationship, the reality is that there are some things that are important to you in a partner. Maybe you want someone who has a great sense of humor. Maybe you want someone who is physically affectionate, who is a good communicator or a great listener, or who loves traveling, or who likes hard dreg music. Whatever that is, it's specific to you. But when you start digging deep and really taking the time to understand what are your needs, what is it that you want, what is it that you value, not what society tells you, but what you usually value. It turns out that most people have between twenty to thirty things that are important to them. And if that sounds a lot to people who are listening. It's a short sign that they're not considering all the pieces of devariable. Does that make sense? Okay? So first step is you have to understand all the things that are important to you, not to what society tells you you should feel, not to what is important to your friends and family, but to you as a person. There's no right, there's no wrong. There's nothing that is too small or too big. It is what it is. You know, I tell my clients you're trying to feel differently about something because you should feel differently is as ridiculous as me telling you you have Brian now brown eyes. You know you should have green eyes. But that doesn't make sense. That's why no, no, no, no, no doesn't make sense. It's so obvious in this context. Or if you like sushi, somebody telling you you should not like slushi sushi is not good food, or vice versa. You don't like sushi, they say you should like sushi. Well, your values represent who you are, is your identity. Nobody's like you. So you need to be really aware that it's okay to feel what you feel. Now, the next step is to take the things that are important to you and make sense of them. So I have here two ruby cubes. So for the people who are just listening, one ruby cube is completely jumbled, all the collars are mixed, and the other one is sold. But the interesting thing, KnowI to consider is that even though the soul, the jumble ruby cube has all the colors, you know, completely jumble. If you think about it, are there any pieces missing? Are there any color stickers or smaller cubes missing compared to the other cube. No, No, They're all there, right, So all the necessary pieces to solve the cube are there. The only thing missing is churning them and placing them in the right sequence. Right, Yes, so all the pieces are there we all have inside of us when we take the time, When we take the time to look inside the pieces to understand what we really want and how we can create a better future and move beyond betrayal. We just need to order them in the proper sequence. So how do we do this? The next step is what I call creating order from chaos. This is really what you start ranking the things that are important to you from the most important one to the least important one. Because if you don't know what's more important versus least important, then you are stuck in this endless loop of pros and cons. You know, amazing that, bad husband, this and not that. But when you start creating a higher archy, that's when you can make decisions. And I'm going to give you an example, because at the base the way we make decisions as a human being is we have a set of values, a set of things that are important to us that we try to fulfill consciously or unconsciously. So let me give you this example. Has it ever happened to you to go to the restaurant and you look at the menu, you want to order some food and you don't know what to order. You're like, hmm, this or that, and I'm not sure has that ever happened to you? Oh? Yes, okay, So this is quite a common experience. And the reality is that for most people, it's because there are a number of things that is important to them in what they want when they order food, but not all of them are fulfilled. The three most. Common art Let's say people want something that is tasty, yum yam, that is healthy, and it is reasonably priced. And if you have something like that on the menu, it's like go go go. It's a no brainer. If there's nothing like that is everything is expensive, it doesn't taste good, and it's not healthy. It's a no, no no. But the problem is when you have something that is one but not the other, it becomes yes, but yes, but oh it's tasty, Yeah, but it's not really healthy. Wow, this is healthy and tasty. Yeah, but have you seen the price? And it's only when you become aware of the things that you are trying to juggle in your mind, and also when you become aware of Okay, at the end of the day, what do I value more? Is it tastes, is it health or is it price? And you will make a very different choice. You know, if you want taste. You want to hurt. If you're healthy, maybe the salmon. If you want cheat it, maybe the pizza. Right. So that's how we make decisions, and we get confused even with just three values because we cannot process those things in our mind. Imagine when you have twenty to thirty values. So you need to take the time to put them in writing, to define what every single value means to you too as much possible detail as possible, so that you know or anybody else would know without a shred of doubt whether that value is being fulfilled. For example, physically affectionate. What does having a partner who's physically affectionate mean to you know me? For example? For me said that again, Yeah, what if if you were to tell me, you know somebody who is physically affectionate, that's something that's important to me. How would you define physically affectionate. I don't know if that's true for you, but how would you define it? Well, for me, it would find is just being in my space, being right here where I can feel that energy, a gentle hand, you know, holding my hand, or a hug, you know, just a hug, you know, like that just really is really being in my present and being in my present because it both sitting in the room. You could be doing one thing, I could be doing another. But if we're sitting in there and we're there together, that's that's good for me. Yeah. I love that. Thank you so much as such a great example. And what you did you did two thing. The first one is him being in my presence and that's one way, but that's only one way that you can feel it. And then what you did is you use something that we're more like you used to work in the movies, right, So imagine being a Hollywood director and you make the scene where people should know that this is a person who is physically affectionate, and that's when you describe We are in the same room, he has my hand on me, he gives me hugs. So the more you can describe it in the sense of what you see, what the other person is doing, who is doing, who is where doing what, the more you'll have a precision in terms of knowing whether that person fulfills the value or not. Does that make. Sense, Yeah, totally, totally. So you gather all the pieces, then you try to make some order, and you organize them from the most important one to the least important one, because otherwise you don't know what is essential versus optional. You don't know one of the things that you can compromise on versus the ones that are must have. So here's another example. Let's say that you are looking for your dream house and there are twenty things that you're looking in this house, and one day a friend of yours comes and says, Naomi, Naomi, I've found your dream house. It has nine things out of twenty that you're looking for. That's is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? So let me you know what, For me, it's a good thing because it's ninety five percent of it. And I am the type of person that whatever that five percent not, I'm going to make it work. I'm going to create it myself with I'm yes. Okay, and I just love you. Now let me ask you this. Let's see what comes out. You know, this was not rehearsed. What if the one thing missing, Naomi is that the house is located in a different city and state that where you want to live. Okay, that's different. Ah, that's that's that's different. First of all, I wouldn't even be in this in the city or the state that I'm just saying. I wouldn't even be there looking. You understand what I'm saying. So I wouldn't even go there to So can we give another one because I would. I know I kind of tricked you, I know, I know, but thank you for playing along. But the point is that, you know, if a person comes and says, yeah, ninety five percent, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter so much what are the things that are? It's not what is sorry, it's not how many things are fulfilled? Is which ones? Because one thing, if is the number one most important thing, If it's not fulfilled, everything else becomes a mood point. So I realize this is an extreme example, but the reality is that you can have that clarity and make powerful decisions only when you know what are my top values, what are my bottom values, what are my essential values? Because then this is what allows you to assess your relationship for real and both in terms of if you are stuck in a relationship and you want to move past that relationship as well as let's say that the next step has come and you are dating, you're moving beyond betrayal. You are trying to meet new people, understanding that if you have a person in front of you and you see that some things are fulfilled but not others, you you know the most important thing he can have is clarity. What is it that's missing? Because I remember this client, her name was Kate. She had been struggling for five long years in terms of should I stay, should I go? You know, her husband was not a monster, and that's why she was stuck in indecision. And when we took the things that were important to her it turned out that she had fourteen things out of twenty six that were essential to her. The problem was that her husband did not fulfill four out of the top five. So even though he had seventy percent of things that she wanted a relationship quote unquote on paper, he had a lot of things going on for him. Unfortunately, the most important ones were not fulfilled. And that's when she was able to finally understand why she had been unhappy, to put her inhes into words and to make a decision that, you know what, those things are so powerful, and there were a few others that he would have to make changes on that in reality, expecting him to change, she made significant changes on those five or seven areas would have been unrealistic. He would have needed a personality transplant. Right. So that's when she had a certainty. Okay, you know what, Yeah, he's not a bad person. It's not that he's a bad husband. It's just we're not a good fit because the things that are most important to me are not being fulfilled. And that's how she was able to move forward. Does that make sense? It does? But I have a question for you, yes, for speaking of your client, this one, this recent one right here is that out of the out of the fourteen, was it out of the fourth. I want to make sure the central ones, essential ones. That's out of the top five. Four of them the husband or the mate did not qualify for So I guess this is my question, Well, her looking for those values or those things into that other person herself, does she have that herself to see? Does that make sense? Does she have that within herself to not look at it from someone else so she can be so it wouldn't be a make it a breaking. That makes sense? Yeah? Absolutely, absolutely, You know what, that's such a great comment, and actually that's quite an defense comment because one of the things that you know, the first thing is to have like a complete picture of the state of your relationship, and then you see, Okay, I know that my essentials need to be fulfilled for me to be happy. But it doesn't mean that your husband has to do all the work. Maybe there are some things that you can fulfill differently that doesn't require your husband or your spouse to fulfill them. Ideally you would want to have your spouse do that, but maybe there are other ways. And that reminds me the example of Tracy so Tracy was a storyteller. Every day she would come home home and she would start, you know, telling what happened to her to her husband and wanting to share all the details. There was one problem, though, her husband had adhd focus enough to listen to her. So even if she hadn't wanted, that was a no ago. And obviously that was a problem for her because having a good listener was top too on her list. But you made a very powerful comment in this specific instance. I guided her and I said, well, is there a way so that you can have this value fulfilled sufficiently outside of your relationship? I call this outsourcing And she said, you know what, maybe, And what she started doing was organizing lunches with her very best friends three times a week where they would get together and her friends were just great listeners, and she would get her listening cup need Field enough so that when she would come home, she would not have to have her husband listen to her. So that was one workaround which was powerful enough for her to say, Okay, this I can take care of myself and the others, so this is not something that I should focus on to try my husband to to to make changes, because that one I can take care to outsourcing. Does I answer your question, yeah, yeah, yeah it does. It does. Yeah, it does. I'll give you another one, which is, uh, that was Stacy. My memory is correct. Obviously I'm using fake names to protect their privacy. But so, she had a husband and he was very, very messy, and she was always like, oh man, he left the dishes, you know, three days of dishes in the saying. He would drop just her clothes on the floor insteading of putting them in the laundry bag. And she was like fed up, and she would just go at him and knack him, like, you know, clean after yourself, would do things be tidy. But she realized two things when I helped her order her values and understand what was essential versus optional. It turned out that having a spouse that was tidy was value number twenty one out of twenty two. It was like not only optional, but it was the second to last. And when she saw that, she was like blown away. It's like, oh my gosh, I've spent so much time and effort on focusing on something that is not even relevant. So it's not essential to me. And I can also take care of me because what I really care about at the end of the day is not that he is tidy. Yes, I would love that, but what I really care at the end of the day is to have the tidy house. And you know what, I can't tidy. I'll wash the dishes, I'll clean, I'll take the clothes on the floor, and in exchange, you know, he can do something other things for me. So that's another way I call that insourcing. The first one is outsourcing. This one is insourcing. So these are some ways that it can kind of find workarounds, but you know, at the end of the day, there's only so many that you can work on this way, so there is a possibility, but it depends if really is case by case, and you have to understand, really, what are the points that are most painful to you because they are not fulfilled and they're essential versus the ones that are optional. Does it need more sense. Now, Yeah, it does. I mean I kind of followed you along with it all all the way too, so I definitely understand. So it's more of you said it once. You said, by prioritizing with your values are from there. So her tidiness was number twenty one, but it was it was like. An irritation for her, you know. More so now you're doing. Is teaching how to manage those things. What's really important to you is that really a strong you know, how can you do it? And you had those two different forms from outsourcing and insourcing to kind of help that along the way because you already know before you say I do that he wasn't tidy. You already knew before you got married that he wasn't a good listener. But you made that conscious decision to say I do. So now my question is to you, why did you say I do when knowing that you know so where and that question that I have for them? What answers would you have from your clients when asking that question? Because it's somewhere. You made a decision knowing that, and I understand you said was more important to you, you know, knowing so you already know going in that all right, there is a possibility a fifty to fifty, fifty to fifty chance that this man is not going to listen to me because he has ADHD. And I know this man is not he's messy because I've been to his apartment and I know how it is. So what as a woman or even a person period that once you say I do, is going to change. That's such a great question, and that opens up another whole topic scenario, which is, you know, people who have cold feet because in a way maybe so there are so many reasons, because I also help women who were like not sure shot marry or not, or women who had divorced and who told me, you know, right from the get go, I had a feeling that maybe it wasn't right. But I remember having this client. She saw that her parents had always been unhappy, so for her it was normal to be in a relationship where it's okay to be unhappy. That was the role model that she had, and she didn't know better. Another one was that there was so much societal pressure, you know, either because their friends were getting married or the family, or even sometimes it was religious. Like I remember this person who told me, you know, they went to see this religious figure, I don't know if it was a pastor, and he said, so, are you really loving each other and ready to spend eternity together? Something along those lines, And it was such a big question, but the pressure to say yes was so big that you know what else to say? And again it goes back. Think about this, It goes back to the beginning in terms of if you have some doubts about the marriage, but you're not sure, it's the status quo. If you pull the plug, you know you're gonna have to face consequences. And if you don't have certainty, then you say, you know who knows and hope. We have an amazing ability for denial and hope. So you think the why. I mean, there is more than one answer about for the question why do people say yes even if they know? So? Maybe she knew he was messy, but maybe at the time she was blinded by other things that she had not paid so that there were more. Maybe he was a great love or maybe they have that love of animals in common that she thought the other thing wouldn't matter. Or maybe she thought I can change him. I'm sure that this is a thought that people have. But the reality, to make a long story short, is it's because people do not have clarity in terms of what's important to them. Because if you know from the get go, you know what I really want a person who's a great listener, and even though he's so great in other areas of the relationship, that's not going to do it for me. If you have that clarity beforehand, then you can also have the certainty to not say I do. But we are so confused with our emotions. How much more time do you have now? Because I'm so passionate, I have lots of things to there. We don't have to have a part too. So you know, there's a thing which is, at the end of the day, we're not very good at human beings, at understanding our emotions. I'm going to give you a couple of studies that I found really really funny. So the first one is they had male students meet a woman in the middle of a suspended bridge that was almost three hundred feet high and the bridge was shaky. It was made of you know, those wooden planks with ropes, so it was very fear inducing. And they would meet this woman at the in the middle of the bridge. They would have the women would have them fill out a questionnaire and at the end she would give them the phone, not her phone number, saying if you have questions about the study, call me. And then they did the exact same study, but on the bridge. It was very similar, but it was very very low. It was just maybe, you know, three feet high, no danger whatsoever. And what came up was that there were many more men who ended up calling the woman. Who were the men who had been on the shaky high bridge. Do you have any what's your guest? What do you think more men called the woman when they went and met her on the high quote unquote d interous bridge versus the lower. One, because I figured that that's more the lower one, And you said the lower one was shaky, right, I just want to make sure that was here. Oh no, sorry, let me make it clear. So the the one that was a three hundred feet was shaky, but it was a three hundred feet so if you look down, it's scary. The other one was shaky too, but if you look down, it's just three feet high. And they went to the one that was the highest. So the ones who crossed the high bridge ended up calling the woman much more often than the ones who just met the woman on the lower bridge. Well, first, the one on the highest that gave and I'm just speaking, I believe that it gave them more of a higher self esteem that I was able to make it here versus then making it here that I put more effort in going upwards, so more that's more intel of who I am moving forward. That's what I see. You know, that's a great question. Sorry, that's a great answer, and I hear that a lot. At the same time, they could just feel high self esteem with unnecessarily having to call the woman. They could just feel great about theirselves. So it turns out, but I like your answer because it really shows that you thought about it. At the end of the day. What happened is that the men who went on the bridge that was elevated that was fear inducing, they felt physiological arousal and their brain missing chirp to it. Oh, I feel emotional when I'm in front of this woman. It must mean that I'm attracted to her or romantically attracted. Right, So they misattributed a physical sensation to something else. So we feel things, and then we tried to make sense from the environment, and that was the most obvious theme. Now, let me give you a second experiment. They were giving people either very cold beverages or warm beverages, and then they had them read about another person, the profile of another person, and it turned out that the people who were holding cold beverages in their hands were rating this other person profile. They were saying that the person I'm reading about, she's cold her, she's not as emotional. And the people who had warm beverages in their hands were saying, no, this is a wonderful person. She's so nice and emotional. Obviously, you know, I'm kind of paraphrasing, but the fact is that we're not very good at understanding our emotions. And I not to go back to the example of Stacy when she had the husband who was messy. She thought it was the cause of the unhabitess of the relationship because there were other issues going on in the relationship. But what was the most obvious thing that she could see with her eyes to close on the floor The dish and the sink. Yeah, sorry, yes, it's the dish. Yeah yeah, does that make sense? Yeah, most definitely, most definitely. So we are not very good at understanding emotions. We don't have clarity. So that's why taking the time to read, dig deep in terms of what it is that is important to me. How do I know? It's being fulfilled and really having all the pieces of the puzzle and putting them in order. That's what gives you the power to make a powerful decision, and not only to decide to say I do, but also to kind of create a better future. Does that make sense? Yes it does, Yes it does. And you know what one thing is that I didn't know that this is going to. Be a really good show. Well I know it's gonna be a good show, but I didn't that we're gonna have to have partsy. I'd love to be back on the show because I have some very very I'm gonna give you a teaser. The brain is gonna come back into play, and you know this is going to just blow your mind. Once you understand how, you can get really clarity because there's a difference now on me. So now this is teaser for part two. Listeners, make sure to come back to Part two. There's a difference between knowing what to do and the way you feel about it. Yeah, you can know something logically, but emotionally, it's a totally fluent ball game. You know, I have so many women. It's like, Oh, my therapist tells me I should divorce, but I'm not sure. Oh my marriage counselors thinks I should divorce, but I'm not sure. First of all, it may be based on other people's values, but even when they know logically, it's like it's not the same thing. And in the next episode, one of the answers that I'm gonna one of the questions I'm going to answer, is does that ever happen to you to watch a movie where you know logically that it has a happy ending. Let's take the Notebook. You know, you know that no one Allie, they will just end up together. It will be a beautiful love story. They'll see you're talking, But why do you watch the movie? You're having, the struggles, you're having, the bands, you seel like, oh my god, what's gonna happen? Why is that? Why do we know something logically and yet emotionally to a different ball game. Well, the answer will be in the next episode. I love that, you know, thank you for that one, you know, And as you were as you were talking and I said, oh my god, he will be great for our next our next series. And it goes right on top right on that. We're talking about balancing, you know, balancing your life and trying to figure that out on what life looks like balancing for you. So that'll be great idea. We're gonna have to do this again for oh my god, yes again. So any last words for my listeners right now? As I said, we're talking about hell and bear betrayal in this month series. So if you had any lass words to give my listeners, what would it be? So let me make a quick summary. The first thing is you have to understand that you have your brain, new biology that is set against you because it wants to protect you, wants to keep the statuscope. The next step is to gather all the pieces of the puzzle so that you can really make a decision properly. Then to understand what's more important versus less important, essential versus optional. Then there's one more step that we're going to talk in part two, and I will say that if people are really really curious, I have written a book. It's called Divorced Decision Decoded. People can go on get Absolute Clarity dot com. You want to get Absolute clarity dot com, you can get the book. You can understand how to apply the process. But really those are the first steps. And on the next episode, this is where we're going to kind of come with this super new perspective that is really mind blowing that will make a lot of sense when you actually learn it and yet nobody's using it. So another teaser for the next episode. Yeah, beautiful. All right. So look when Mike talker, he's not talking about the episode for tomorrow, He's talking about the next episode that him and I will be involved. I think it's gonna be amazing. I know it, and I don't think. I know it's going to be amazing. For that again, Mike, thank you, Thank you so much. I'm excited already. I am. I'm excited already. It's just heightening even more. Really it is. To my listeners, I want to thank you so much for continue to join us here on the season. And sup love, I keep tuning in, keep tuning in. I told you we got y'all this month. We catch up this month, and as you see, I'm gonna have you next month too, because i'mna have Mike back. I'm gonna have Mike back. So again, I. Want you to remember that every step that you take is a part of your love journey. I take you one day at a time. Be patient with yourself, all right, I have a good home. Thank you for joining us on this journey of discovering and empowerment here at the Season and Self Love Podcast. Remember, embracing self love is a continuous journey and we're so glad to have you with us. So if you enjoy today's episode, please leave us a review and don't forget to join our community on Facebook at Season and Self Love connect with like minded individuals who are also on their self love journey. Now, if you have any questions or topics that you'd like for us to explore, we love to hear from you. Email us at Season usseelf Love at gmail dot com and let your. Voice be heard. So until the next time, take a moment for yourself today and remember you are worthy of love, joy, and all the beautiful things that life has to offer you. A love