"Foundations of Healthy Relationships" Mindset Mondays with Dr. Will Washington

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Season of Self Love Podcast. I am your host, Nyomi Banks, and I am thrilled to have you join me on this transformative journey. You see, every day we dive into a powerful conversation about self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. This podcast is brought to you by Ask Nyomi and Elevate Me Self Discovery, where we believe that loving yourself is the first step to living a fulfilling life.

[00:00:26] You can expect insightful discussions, practical tips, and inspiring stories. Plus, we'll occasionally welcome special guests who will share their unique perspectives on self-love and personal growth. So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage, and let's embark on this journey together. Because it's time to embrace the beautiful person that you are. So let's elevate our lives one episode at a time. Now let's get started.

[00:00:59] All right, my beautiful people. Well, welcome back to another episode of the Season of Self Love Podcast. I am your host, Nyomi Banks, and I am so excited because this is our first episode of our May series on Mindset Monday, Nurturing Relationships. Now, if you've been rocking with us through the year of the rebirth, then you already know that every month we are diving into a powerful theme that connects back to healing, wholeness, and real love. Real self-love, that is.

[00:01:26] Well, this month we're getting into the heart of what it means to build and maintain a healthy relationships with others, but most importantly, with yourself. Well, today's episode is called Foundation of Healthy Relationships. And I have our resident therapist and incredible Dr. Will Washington joining me to break this all the way down. We're talking trust, communication, respect, and boundaries. All the essential pieces we need to build deeper and more fulfilling connections.

[00:01:57] Oh, and don't forget about our free workbook, The Year of the Rebirth. It's available for download. This month's section has exercises on relationship reflections and setting boundaries. So head over to the website and grab you a copy if you have it already. So before we bring Dr. Will to the stage, let's take a quick break, all right? It's your girl, you got us, Naomi Banks here on the Season of Some Love Podcast. And we'll be right back. Ready to transform how you think about love and mental health?

[00:02:25] This May, join host Naomi Banks and Dr. Will Washington and expert guests on Love and Mental Health, a powerful four-part series exploring relationships through the lens of mental wellness. Every Thursday at 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time on Ask Naomi Bridging the Gap. Do you have a story to share? Your experience matters. Email us at askmiomi at gmail.com and be part of the conversation that's changing lives.

[00:02:58] Washington Wellness Institute focuses on healing always. For me, if I look good, then I feel good. If I feel good, then I share the good. If I share the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate the good, then I live the good. So I can be paid to be my greatest. But I have to learn the good to be the good. So, what does it take to be the greatest? It's as simple as a free 15-minute consultation. Be kind to yourself and heal always.

[00:03:31] All right, my beautiful people, welcome back. Hey, Dr. Will. It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you. Yeah, you ready? I'm excited. Yeah, let's do this. You ready? You ready to do this? Yeah, I'm ready. I'm pumped. You sure you're pumped? Yeah. My brain is on fire right now. Let's do this. My brain. Look, it's not just there. My brain is there. My brain is so there. I know that's right. I'm ready too. All right, my beautiful people.

[00:03:57] Well, you know, before we get into our topic, let's ground ourselves with a nice meditation. All right? So, if you all could just come through right now and close your eyes. All right? Take a deep breath in. Now, slowly exhale. I want you to inhale again.

[00:04:20] This time, I want you to inhale love and exhale anything that is heavy that no longer serves you. Now, I want you to imagine your heart expanding, creating space for connection, for grace, and for the beauty of growth in your relationships. Breathe that in.

[00:04:53] Take a deep breath in. Love. Exhale. And when you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to this moment. All right, my beautiful people. If you are new here to the Season of Cephala podcast, it's something we do every day, Monday through Friday, just to ground us before we get into this topic. And I am excited for this. This is about relationships, cultivating and getting together.

[00:05:22] You ready, Dr. Will? And you know, this is about to go in because I was just writing a whole bunch about this in my new modality. So I'm pumped. This is good stuff. This is going to be good. It does make a healthy relationship. And what does it actually look like? Ooh. So, very scholastic, right?

[00:05:45] A healthy relationship is when two individual people are actively working on being healthy and decide to share an experience together. That's it. That's it. And we miss the mark sometimes. Yeah. And two individual people are actively working on being healthy and decide to share an experience together. Yeah. That's it. You know what?

[00:06:15] That is so beautiful. Let me say this. You know, I'm always sharing about my business. I'm always talking about my business. So, my man that I'm with now, I've been with my man for 20 years. It'll be 21 years. Wow. That's amazing. Yes. And so he's been with me before the adult industry, during the adult industry, and now after the adult industry. Wow. And through all of that, we both have grown so much.

[00:06:45] But I felt that the most trying time would have been during my adult industry, but it wasn't. It was actually now, my post-adult industry because of me, the spiritual journey that I've been going through for the past 10 years. And him watching me grow was like, hold on. Where are you going? You know, where are you going?

[00:07:12] And I remember in that moment, because we always felt connected in everything that we do. But in that process of me going through my spiritual journey and my self-awareness, I felt a disconnect. And I remember telling one of my spiritual guys and leaders is that, I don't know if I want to go through this because I don't want to leave him behind. And she said, oh, no, he coming.

[00:07:42] He coming at his own pace, but he coming. She said, you got to worry about you and not worry about how he doing or worry about you. So that was a check for me of a self-awareness of me always trying to control something and bring that along. I said, no, you got to let him do his work for him. And I remember after I finished writing Good Morning, My Sexy People, and I remember I had sent it out, you know, to different family members and stuff like that.

[00:08:09] And I remember we had a really heated conversation or argument. And I remember it was words that he was saying that he was saying about himself. Mind you, I didn't say any of these words he said about himself. And so I wrote the word down. I said, look this word up and what does this word mean? And he looked the word up and I said, is that you? He said, no. I said, so why did you say that was you? I was just, mm-mm.

[00:08:36] And so he said another word and I wrote it down and I gave it to him and I said, this word? He said, no. And so in that moment, I got to see a very vulnerable individual that need just as much healing that I did. Mm-hmm. And in that process of me watching that, it was like, okay, let's sit down. I said, every Sunday, I said, let's sit down.

[00:09:03] We're going to take some time and we're going to do this book together. He said, but you already did. I said, no. The reason why I wrote this is because I was able to go back and look at what I've already written that relate to me right now through my healing process. I said, so right now I invite you. So both of us to come do this healing together, but also separate because right here, these are your thoughts and your emotions on what you feel on your process. And this is mine.

[00:09:32] And if you feel when you feel comfortable, we can swap them out and we can read them to one another. And we did that for about six months and it changed our whole relationship. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's really putting seeds in your own relationship to see what actually grows out. Not many people wait that long to see what comes out of the ground. Yeah. And they put those seeds in. That's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:59] And you know, the one thing is because I knew, I knew that, I knew that God put us together for a reason. I knew it. Could nobody be just as crazy to be with me as my dad would tell him on his bed was like, why are you with this crazy girl? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so, you know, he had to be just as crazy than me and love me as hard as I loved him to even understand what this is. And so when people say, you ain't married, you ain't got no marriage.

[00:10:28] How you will ever get married? I'm like this whole time I'd had a man. You know, our relationship was our relationship on how we did it, but that was ours. That was our Bonnie and Clyde thing. But that is how our relationship was. But then also the people that were close to us, they knew. They knew when we were a couple, but they didn't say anything. You know, that's how we built our community then.

[00:10:55] But then as I started to move out of the limelight of things, that's when a lot of more things revealed of other relationships that was in that close circle. And that's when we realized is that, okay, we're going through our healing with ourselves and with one another in our committed. But how about these other people that's outside of our two things?

[00:11:24] Are they healing as well? Who's committed to our relationship? And we never talk about that. And when people get married for premarital work, I ask, well, who are you inviting to your wedding? And they talk about all the people they don't like. And then it's like, well, why would you want them to witness your union? That means that they're going to be a part of your union. These people aren't supposed to be supporting your marriage. You shouldn't invite them. But what would happen? Like, do you want them to dictate the healthiness of your union?

[00:11:55] No. Then they should not be at the wedding. Yeah. Yeah. I learned that my first marriage. Yeah. I learned that my first marriage. It wasn't about me. It was about everybody else. And my second one, I did a drive-thru. Just him and my sister and her husband. That's it. Yep. That's it.

[00:12:16] Because I'm telling you, it's amazing how when you're trying to work on yourself, the people around you are supposed to be reflections of why you're supposed to be your best self. And then your partner is supposed to recognize you to be your healthiest. Yeah. Right. Because what's best for you and what's healthiest for you are two different intentions. Yeah. Yeah. So let me ask you this. When looking at that, because they are reflections.

[00:12:42] When you look at the reflections of who your friends are and your friendships are, and sometimes you are not too happy with that reflection looking back at you. What do you say to the listeners when they do look at those reflections and they're just like, hmm. What's this lesson? I call it, well, in my martial arts, we call it a broken mirror system. Right.

[00:13:08] How we are all reflections, fragments of each other. We're all fragments of each other. So your friendships are fragments. So it's like, what does this fragment mean to you? This person, this friend reminds me of this. I have a friend, his name is Jaya. I don't know why we're friends the way we are friends.

[00:13:29] But when he talks to me, it's like he fires me up and I'll just start creating and just doing everything. I'll build him like a castle. It'll be a 20 minute conversation. But if I talk to my other homie, I won't do nothing. So something about him, so he reminds me, the lesson is that he reminds me of the fire. Of my fire and what I'm able to create.

[00:13:59] And it's amazing that that's a fragmented piece, but it does so much around me. So he's someone that I know that when I make it, I'm carrying him with me. Yeah. Because what I've created was because of that fire he put into me. Yeah. You know, he reminds me of the fire that I have, my passion. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's what's the lesson, right? Who is this person supposed to remind me of? Yeah. You know, I love that. I love the positive spin you put on it. I love that.

[00:14:29] When I sit and I think about some of the friendships that were ever to survive my transformation. And I look and my sister, I love her to dear, you know, she's my protector on this earth. And she went, why is she still here? And she said, she did the look on her face. Like, why is she still here? And I'm like, okay, baby. I said, there, and I tell her right up, I said, there is something that I'm supposed to learn from this beautiful woman.

[00:14:59] I said, it's something that I want both of us supposed to learn. I said, but it's really something that I'm supposed to learn because really it's a part, some of that last thing is part of my last thing. So I got to learn from that. You're like, well, well. Well, that's the first thing is being aware of your stuff, you know. And, but thinking about that.

[00:15:29] And I love when you say about two people going on the healing, you know, process. They're actually working on their own healing. On their own healing. And also with that beautiful young lady, she's working on her healing. And everyone that is in my circle right now, everybody is working on their healing. And it's so funny because the ones that you think would not be doing it, they always like, for real? Like, yeah, girl, I saw your Instagram post. I saw that.

[00:15:59] Oh, I saw your TikTok. Oh, yeah, I heard that. Really? They ain't going to leave a comment, but they are hearing or in the comments. I feel a way about that because my clients, my clients be like, yeah, remember you talked to Naomi about, and I was like, you've been watching my videos? And they bring the videos into my session. Now I got to go back and look at the video because I'm like, was they telling the truth? I was like, I had to go back. They really watch it and they use it in their own work. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:16:27] You know, and so this is a note for me. And I said it's probably a note for you too because we are a type of people that we, we, and I know we talked about this a little bit last month, last week, that we do, and it's not about validation. We do things because we want to improve in things and we want rewards for things that we do. You understand what I'm saying? We like to see things visually. I'm a very visual person. And I believe you are very visual person too.

[00:16:57] And sometimes that get lost in what we're doing because we're looking at, you know, well, how many people are looking? How many? It doesn't even matter if how many people comment. It don't matter because a lot of people, especially going through this healing process, they ain't not, they're not ready to share that with people. They're not ready to share that with people.

[00:17:18] And that's what I'm understanding more now, even in my relationships with my clients, even my relationships, even with just regular people, it's just a lot of people, they're not ready to share those. So you just continue to keep doing what you do. Right. I just got asked that they said that they wanted me to do more videos of my handpan work because they wanted that. But I just stopped doing it because I was just working on things. People are like, I know it's not posting as much.

[00:17:46] I'm like, I just post when I feel like it. I didn't, I wasn't like trying to like create a following. I was like, when it's there, I'll do it. But I'm not, you know, but now people are relying on me to keep posting. And I'm like, I'm like, I just, I'm, I'm, I, like I said, I'm, I'm finished. I'm not crossing a finish line. I'm just enjoying the field. Yeah. Right.

[00:18:13] And that's, and so when it's, when it's there, it's meant for you. When it's not there, you're supposed to look at, look at the other videos. You might've missed the video. Go back. Right. You know, or I'll, or I'll just share some of your videos on my story. Yeah. You know? So, yeah. Anyway, sorry. No, no, that's okay. Uh-uh. That's okay. All right. So let's talk about one thing, building trust. I know a lot of people got different ways of understanding what trust is. And some people say you have to come in and you have to earn trust.

[00:18:42] And some people say, you know, trust is there. And then once you lose it, then, Hey, you know. Broken vase. Yeah. But that is one of the most important things when it comes to foundation and a relationship. So, Dr. Will, what are some ways that we can build and maintain trust, especially when we've been hurt in the past? Yeah. And I'm so glad you said it like that because I am a new believer of trust is an internal

[00:19:11] experience, not external. And we externalize it because we're avoiding the internal inflictions that we may have been going through. So for me, trust is something that comes from you. Do you trust yourself to be in this relationship again? Do you trust yourself to start dating again? Do you trust yourself to love somebody and know that you may lose them again? Do you trust yourself to love somebody and may be stuck with them? Do you trust yourself to go through that?

[00:19:40] Trust used to be such an externalizing experience. You broke my trust, so you have to build this trust back. No, they're still who they are. They just made a mistake, right? You learn, especially in infidelity, cheating is a symptom, not a problem, right? And so when you learn to destigmatize the pain and the betrayal hurt in that, you learn that it's a lesson in navigating what your relationship needs to feel healthy again.

[00:20:07] So the question is, are you willing to do what is needed to have a healthy relationship again? Can you trust that experience and that journey to have a healthy relationship? So for me, trust is a very internalizing experience to help remove the shame, fear, guilt, blame, resentment, regret that might be occurring in an unhealthy moment.

[00:20:34] So what you're saying is that the trust has to come within yourself first. Truly. Yeah, within yourself first. So let's say this and let's be really honest. Some people don't trust themselves and they depend on others for that. And then we get codependency. But that's gone awry, but yes. And that's why we have situationships, circumstantials.

[00:21:02] We have moments. We use a lot of these different languages to not hold the emotional accountability that's required to hold trust in a relationship. Yeah. Right. You know, or we focus on romance rather than intimacy or we speak about intimacy, but we don't, we're not even connected to ourselves or our own bodies yet. Right. Let's be honest. Yeah. And communication.

[00:21:32] Ugh, the C word. Communication. Yeah. You know, a lot of us know how to talk, but do we really know how to listen? I have a problem when people say, when I talk to people about something and they go, oh, you're so deep. I'm turned off immediately because, because it, once it happens, it lets me know that you didn't see yourself in our conversation.

[00:22:02] It means, it means I lost you somewhere. Okay. Oh, that's deep. Ugh. No, I just helped you see yourself and you didn't see, ah, see that. Because that gets me. I'm glad you said that because I'm going to say it one day. I'm going to say, oh, damn, that was deep. I'm going to be like, oh, pause it. Pause the recording. Pause the recording. I can't. Because if you get deep on me, I'm going to give it to you. I'm like, oh, shit.

[00:22:31] That was, because for me, when I'm like, yeah, because it will make me think like, damn, that shit would be, excuse my word. But see, but then that's you seeing yourself. But then what you normally do though is you'll come back with an example to help translate it. Mm-hmm. Because sometimes I say stuff and then you got to translate it. Like you just did about trust. You just try to put it in one sentence, right? Many people don't do that. They don't bring it that fast. They got to sit with that.

[00:23:00] And then we're stuck because we're both sitting. And I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not. I can't. I can't do that anymore. I'm not. So I need the summary. Like I need someone to sum that up. I need that. Because sometimes I get lost in the thought. I be alone a lot. I'm sitting in my space. Sitting in my mind. So yeah, it's neither. I'm so sorry. You said I be alone a lot. See, it just comes out. I didn't mean to say it like that.

[00:23:29] Yeah, Dr. Will is lonely. Yes. You know, and I'm so sorry. I am so not the good friend right now. Because I'm just laughing at you. You were just sitting there. I'm having the whole confession right now. I'm having the whole confession. He's being vulnerable, Naomi. He's telling you. You're just laughing at it. Like what the hell? Come on. Let me tell you. Laughing at you. Because let me tell you something. When I'm editing right, I be seeing your Facebook. Express.

[00:24:03] That's my special expression. And I'm going to talk to him about that. Like I be talking and he be like, let me get it. And then you'll get it. He'll be like, oh, okay. That's what you want to say. I just, I'm in the moment. I'm in the moment. You, you've been throwing sliders and some curve balls. I gotta be ready. Was he alone then? Right. You come back the next week he went down this rabbit hole with me. I thought he was Allison.

[00:24:33] I thought he was there. I thought he was in the moment. I was experiencing the moment. That's all. I got sensitive. I'm a cancerian. We're there. 24-7. Uh-uh. All right. Okay. Let's, let's get back to one. See, this is what happens with us sometimes. All right. So can you share a technique or of improving communication like active listening share it? Yes.

[00:25:03] So I, this is actually, it's called transactional analysis. It was made by Eric Byrne. He's Canadian. Back in the fifties, I believe. Um, but he saw language as a unique way of looking at it as parent, adult, and child. And what I loved about it is that when we speak, you know, there is a, a frame that we speak from. Right. And so I've kind of like modified it in a way to make it more relational

[00:25:32] currently. And so now what I do is I ask them, like, when you're speaking to this person, are you speaking from the parent, the adult, or the child of you, of yourself? Right. And so a lot of times when we're speaking to people, you think about, am I speaking to them like a parent, adult, or child? Also, when I'm listening to them, am I listening as a child, an adult, or a parent? And it helps my couples recognize when they switch their dynamic.

[00:26:02] And so it gives them three options where they can be like, when you're talking to me, I feel like I'm a child. Well, what type of words are you saying to sound more like a parent? Or is it the fact that something happened to you to make you feel like this person is more of a parent in your relationship? It triggers. Right. And there's so many ways to kind of mix this up. Right. And so the first thing I would say is, do you see yourself as a parent, adult, and child as you speak to somebody? And also, do you see yourself

[00:26:32] as a parent, adult, or child when you're listening in the conversation? And it all depends on the conflict and the amount of vulnerability and the availability that's happening. So, I think just starting with the parent, adult, and child mindset is a great way to start beginning language and learning relational language if you're not familiar with that. Wow. So, let me tell you what I just heard which you just said. Parent, adult, and child.

[00:27:03] Parent, so I'm thinking of a scale. I'm thinking of a scale and I think as an adult it's a balance of them both to where as a parent is more high-sprung, I know authoritative type of feel and a child is more coming from and I don't want to say less than but not of knowing or innocence and that process to where adult is is more of

[00:27:32] I'm going to assess the whole thing and I'm going to hear and listen to you fully mindfully listening to you in what you're saying so now my respond will not be a reaction but a respond collectively what we're doing together. Right because perfectly said and a lot of times those parents sometimes react right parents can become overreactive right and then so parents can be

[00:28:02] overreactive children become just reactive right and adults are very responsive I love that I love that's a good one Dr. Will how does show up in a healthy relationship and you're not alone so what we are learning today that it is a skill

[00:28:31] and that it can be strengthened so let's talk about respect and boundaries right now two things that go hand in hand but are often misunderstood Dr. Will how does respect show up in a healthy relationship respect is shown by the way you feel valued in your relationship dynamic and you feel valuable with how you're being loved that's a weird question right

[00:29:02] do you feel valued do you feel valuable in the way you're being loved yeah that's a hard question for some people to answer that you know and the second question to follow up is what do you need to feel valuable in changing your behavior or your ways because sometimes just telling someone to change is not enough sometimes they need incentive because they may be coming from a child's place of shame

[00:29:32] hurt fear unknowing and the reward is I want to build a better connection with you because I realized that we were misaligned would you be willing to grow with me do you want to play with me right and relationships in play you have to remember how to play in your relationship right that's a very big part of the healing aspect in relationships yeah you gotta remember to play that's companionship

[00:30:02] yeah you know I love that and let me tell you why I love that when I love the part when you said about being in a relationship and understanding if that love is honorable to you if that's an honorable relationship to you and knowing the difference I had like this big aha moment a few months ago to where I actually was very

[00:30:31] grateful and thankful for my ex-husband no matter how toxic our relationship was I was like thank you that I really honored what I've learned in that relationship both good and bad because it prepared me for my next relationship not that I took anything bad and brought it as baggage no I use all of that that was happening with us both good and bad

[00:31:01] as learning tools for myself I learned more about myself in that relationship so I didn't know it then when I was there but when you sit back in it and you look back and you realize I was like oh wow and you actually see your growth I don't know if you ever did this from a relationship that you in there from a past relationship that you have before and you see how much you've grown not only that be because of the communication that you had with that new person

[00:31:31] with that that person right there versus how it was I've grown from that child in me was hurting trying to find something to feel and I had to take that kid bring him back and be like hey not that one

[00:32:01] calm down because especially as a man there is we want compassion we want love we want vulnerability we want these things and sometimes as men we say what we want and it is unheard a lot of times it's just unheard it truly is and sometimes we need to express it in a way that is relational rather than individualized a lot of times we

[00:32:30] individualize our needs and we don't relate our needs we're not relating ourselves in a way that's effective and we miss out on ourselves we miss on our moments because we just don't show up at the right time and it happens so much so yeah I understand completely that's a real thing yeah you know it is I want to go back to the individual in a relationship when it comes to with the men do you think that's because men

[00:33:00] are taught and told that they are the head of the household the bread winner they're supposed to be strong and so this is them and then the family is here you know where the wife takes care of the household but he financially takes care and that's all that is needed so there is we're not supposed to

[00:33:36] innocence and the youth that they usually engage in and they're forced to actually comply with parental behaviors and so they're missing out on that emotional social learning that happens at a young age and they're taught the parental the overreaction of their attention and love and so I know a lot of especially men that are put in really adultified spaces right because they're usually the only one in the home so they have to do a lot

[00:34:06] discipline or that's making them better but they're actually just taking out their ability to have emotional social learning and teaching them how to live in output not input so there's a lot of output for men men are living products of output not input and so they look for women to be the input and so they're never given the space to actually have their own input so it's really this whole

[00:34:36] living in output not input and so literally I have men in their 50s that are finally done with their careers they're changing their lives and they realize that they don't know what they need to feel loved but they've taken care of four children and taken care of all these things but they don't know what they need to feel loved and then they

[00:35:06] are embarrassed what that might look like and can they express that need to their partner and will even make sense well thank you for sharing that with me I just wanted to go back to that for a moment because it stuck out to me

[00:35:39] they are ready and willing to tap into their self love for themselves and for the relationships that they have with family members and outside of them yeah can I need to say this thing for the man real quick so for men 30s to 40 what I need you to understand is you're evolving into the adult that you needed to be men in

[00:36:09] your 40s to 50s you are literally recreating what is valuable to you in your 20s so really think about what you needed in your 20s and men between your 50s and 60s I need you to learn what letting go means and becoming what you've been afraid of and that's going to unlock so much for you give you the head start like just

[00:36:39] go into that because I'm telling you men have been denied themselves for so long and then become the problems of other people and other relationships when all along they just wanted to be themselves but they are put in the position to perform and so the strongest thing a man can do in this age right now is understand the power of your presence not what your power can do not what your affluence can do not what your looks can do but what does

[00:37:09] your presence do around you when you learn what your presence does that's going to unlock so much it's going to make everything else flow so much easier yeah so I hope men understand that your presence can change the them know what that

[00:37:39] presence means so they don't get confused on what it means they need to watch your podcast they'll figure it out they can watch that I'm not doing that they can watch Naomi you're good see how you just gonna leave y'all hanging like that you almost have me they can watch show they'll be okay

[00:38:14] oh my goodness doctor all right so let's go back to boundaries let's talk about did we talk about boundaries or respect respect we didn't talk about boundaries okay let's talk about boundaries so setting boundaries from a place of self love rather guilt rather than guilt so the way you're phrasing it you're putting boundaries as an offense and a defensive perspective

[00:38:44] I don't think like that but a lot of people think like that because of how they've been victims and how they've also been abusers yeah right and so that's really interesting I think we've used boundaries as a way to protect ourselves rather than actually heal ourselves you know if you don't clean a wound and you just cover the band-aid it's going to get infected a lot of us put ourselves in boundaries of smelly rooms thinking

[00:39:13] that we're clean and we cloak ourselves in protection but really we're just becoming more calloused emotionally calloused and we're more reactive and triggered if we're not looking at that because that shame and guilt become emotional cancers and we gotta be careful of that that's very important I see boundaries as a cover it's like a blanket and if you don't clean that blanket you can get sick I love that you said that I do and I want to piggyback on

[00:39:43] that just a little bit when and I guess that's more of a reactive type of thing when you start to put boundaries up because I remember the beginning of my journey the beginning of my spiritual journey is because that's when a lot of things were revealed to me and once those things are revealed to you that hurt that hurt that hurt is deeper than someone slapping the shit at me you understand what I'm saying

[00:40:13] because that is where you take things personal because you thought that these relationships were authentic and genuine relationships towards you because that is who you were for them it was something that I always say especially when I'm talking to others I can't look for myself and others meaning they're not going to be the way that I am even though we talk

[00:40:43] about mirror imaging of the people who we become friends at we still can't see ourselves in them so just because I treat you this way doesn't mean that you're going to treat me this but then at the end of the day no people really wasn't treating me that way they were pretending to be that way

[00:41:13] and then it wasn't that way anymore yeah and so for me I just started cutting people off like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom my first reaction and you right that shit was still stinking because those wounds were still open because I didn't start putting any medicine on it probably about three years ago and really when I started to put the medicine on it and the bandage on it and it started

[00:41:43] to heal was when in October of 2023 I started the season of self that one month wow and I I'm so glad you said this and I'm so glad you shared your story because I really want people to understand that boundaries is the beginning of your healing journey right you finally get invited to have self-awareness

[00:42:12] and then you get that emotion of the betrayal and you have a whole talk about betrayal so people need to go back if you're just in the space you need to go back and listen to all the betrayal episodes right and that'll help you out with there and then the boundaries that you make is you learning how susceptible you are to pain and no one wants to just sit in pain but you're learning that and so you're doing everything you can to protect that that pain but that pain has to breathe

[00:42:42] it has to be released right and so once you start doing that then you start realizing you don't have to be so harsh anymore things fall off naturally organically and you actually start creating relationships and connections rather than attachments yeah yeah right so yeah I'm so glad you said that was a beautiful story I'm glad you said that yeah you know even when you think about attachments and connections did we talk about that last time but the attachment connection

[00:43:11] I don't think we don't know the difference we think it's all the same yeah yeah it's all the same I used to think they were the same I used to think they were the same all the time I was like I wouldn't know the difference I was it felt good so I did it it felt great so I liked it it felt good so I thought I should do it I was mentally obligated and emotionally unequipped to be in those relationships mentally obligated emotionally unequipped completely yeah completely yeah yeah

[00:43:41] yeah this is some good stuff this is some good stuff all right so I want to say something to the listeners right now you are allowed to protect your peace you are allowed to protect your peace and you are allowed to say no without explanation that's not being selfish that's self respect but I also hear what Dr. Will is saying too about putting up those boundaries but making sure that you are truly

[00:44:11] healing from it that you are putting on the medicine to heal those wounds because guess what those wounds that you put those boundaries up they've been triggered by something what lessons are you learning from you get it mm-hmm that is beautifully said mm-hmm mm-hmm I can't say nothing against that I was I was like I don't want to I don't even add to it I was like yeah they need to sit in that

[00:44:40] mm-hmm you should say it again you got did you write it out or did you just say it I just came out the top of my head okay that's good well you got it we'll just press back yeah so let me tell y'all usually what happens here tell you usually what happens here before I go on before I sit with anybody Dr. Will or any guests I always do a prayer I always do a prayer and I ask God to use me

[00:45:11] is that our listeners or you or me need to hear to use me so sometimes I will say some shit that be good as hell I might not remember it in the next minute or so that is true that's jazz I haven't heard that in so long that's jazz that is math that's it

[00:45:39] I don't it just comes straight from the top of the dome it's just like it's just there and that's beautiful yeah yeah yeah I ain't gonna let it get irritated sometimes I'm like damn that was good wasn't it I'm gonna go back I must remember time time stamp I'm about truly and this is how when I say that I truly

[00:46:09] do appreciate you because like I think when you first came on you thought you were gonna be I'm gonna be a part of the Axe Naomi it wasn't even the season of self love was just started it wasn't even you I was talking about self love on Axe Naomi but you didn't really know that I had literally started a whole new podcast did not even know no but this was you you we was like wherever I fit in I'm there I'm there I want to be a part of this wherever that at

[00:46:39] and what I love is that you came in trusting the process because remember when we first started it was hey good morning good evening good afternoon when I think about it and I sit back and I listen to it it was like time traveling and things that I said it was like there so even in our relationship that we that we built between each other within this year a little bit over a year and a half it started out

[00:47:08] kind of funky in the emails it did and I remember asking sitting at my altar and said look you want me to do all this stuff I need some help y'all need to send me you

[00:47:38] and I ask I look I I look for the answer whether it agrees with what i feel that i want for myself or what it is that it's supposed to be for me you understand what i'm saying so when we that first miscommunication that happened i was all no this is just another fluke and you came back

[00:48:05] as soon as i asked for that prayer a few hours later i was like okay all right i got it i i okay i got it okay i had to you know bust off my ego for a minute ago because i thought it was an okie dog a few months you know a few weeks ago and i was like oh okay and then when we met and it was just like it was like i'm gay and so even for this that foundation was built on trust from the get-go from

[00:48:34] the very good go after we did that from the adult from the go it was just like bam and it just you know from there and i do i i i appreciate a like you here right lord it's and it's so much faith in the process and i tell people i'm like people ask me like like how do you keep doing all how do you keep doing you're always traveling you're doing this i'm like

[00:49:01] i don't think about it yeah i stopped trying to think about it i just do it because i know i believe in it and my thing is that there will always be space for you when you're believing in the process but if you don't believe in the process you're gonna have to fight for a spot that may not even be yours yeah yeah it doesn't work out move on that's the point that's the point yeah

[00:49:27] you know so i'm so blessed that we can actually sit in faith about our process because a lot of people can't do that if the water gets too hot oh no i like hot water oh yeah i like hot water yeah i may not be able to stay that long so we're like yeah i might have to get out for a second yeah i don't know i can go deep i can't go that hot

[00:49:54] yeah but like come on we'll put your toe in here boy i'm gonna get the wine i'm gonna get them but no this has this has been truly great and that's why i love that we even doing this um doing about relationships because usually when people talk about relationships they think it's a husband a boyfriend a girlfriend and it's no it's relationships it's working relationships

[00:50:19] it's friendship relationships it's um mother and child relationships son and daughter you know parent and child relationship i remember having this conversation not too long ago with um two one of my one is a client and the other one it was a dear cousin of mine they were having trouble with their teenage children and they were parent not adult not the child they were

[00:50:44] the parent and i told them i said remember how you were that age so remember how you were that age and remember the questions in the talk that you wanted to be able to talk to your parents about that you didn't trust to talk to them about i said so when we talking with our children we're talking about we don't trust them they need to build our trust it goes the same way with them

[00:51:13] why do you think because they're younger that they don't require trust from you like you don't need to write as well that's a two-way street and they both said oh my god i never thought about no you don't know age right because we come from uh um my mom used to say you know you got to respect all your elders this is me why i must respect her and she don't respect me

[00:51:39] and and i tell people there's a difference between old people and elders and like do you know the difference because the other is going to teach you an old person is going to control you yeah because they're because they're afraid that they're afraid of who you can become because they already see how powerful you are yeah it was going to help guide that energy to something special and meaningful yeah and she was a type of woman that likes to beat people down with her words you know what i'm

[00:52:09] saying and i was looking at my mama like you hear this lady said like you taught me to speak my mind so why would i because she 80. she should know better she should know better she's been she's been in the world longer than me and she still don't know better right hey my mama sent me down outside the church i couldn't come back into the church until i apologized and you had time out outside church and i still ain't apologize

[00:52:39] till this day she's still waiting for that apology oh no she gone that's why my dad said i was crazy my mama said you was an honor something no i just knew this woman well you know you know somebody just keep coming at you like keep coming at me just they got that spirit in them they they got they got a spirit in them i can't deal with all that

[00:53:06] right so when i when i talk to my girls now especially now i i truly do listen to them and we have a a communication to where it's adult to adult and even with my she'll be 13 years old now i sit in not because she this is a smart young lady and so i don't treat her as a child child you know i'm open to hear what she has to say in her emotions and her feelings and then i let her know okay well

[00:53:35] this is what how i'm feeling this is when she look like oh yeah and it's a whole different thing so when you talked about the parent the adult in the child i got it being a the adult is truly looking at it all because when i think about my husband i hear them in there and then i come in there real smooth and i say what i say he be looking like

[00:54:04] now she do that because she know you don't play i said did you just see the way that i just came i just came ahead of talking to you know you you know you know rah rah she yeah and i'm telling you people think because the child children are the hardest ones to talk to because they come from a place of innocence and so you have to trust that what they're saying and what they're behaving is really what it is yeah you don't have to analyze it you have to level with it

[00:54:31] yeah and i talked child to child before and it is effective but it's also very hard because my that parent comes in and is like i gotta control this i gotta the i gotta helicopter this i can't i gotta monitor this no you need to be with it yeah and that's hard yeah it is it's very hard um especially in today's time that's going on right now

[00:54:56] i i truly do pray for all of us all of the parents out there um yeah you know i saw the other day this little white boy excuse my language this little white boy he on film and he was writing the word the n-word n-i-g-g-e-r-s and this lady asked someone was filming i was like why

[00:55:21] did you write that on the wall are you racist he said no she said well why did you write that on the wall what what does that mean he could not answer he could not answer that at all so imagine your child having to be involved with that individual that's why when i talk about self-love

[00:55:48] i'm talking about us having to be able to embrace who we are to have that intimate relationship with ourselves to go through that self-discovery that self journey so we can now pass it over like a ripple effect to our children you know what i'm saying and so our children could go out there and treat people better you know because we all supposed to be a service of one another so when we talk about having these relationships we're not just talking about people with my man or him with his woman or like

[00:56:18] that we're talking about even with you all right exactly and talking with you our listeners we have a relationship as i mentioned everything's everything's relational yeah everything your trauma is relational and your healing is relational yeah people always want to heal on their own like i'm gonna go healing on my own i'm isolating like no you need to heal with community you need to heal with people you can take a break and recalibrate but you're gonna come back to people you don't know if you

[00:56:45] really healed until you're back with people what are you doing no you think you're gonna be walking alone in a park every single time you're gonna walk into a movie theater alone you're gonna eat at a restaurant alone everything is relational everything is relational i love that it is all right

[00:57:08] dr will we have come to the end of our show do you have any last words for our listeners be kind to yourself and be relational i love it i love it i love it my beautiful people all right so make sure you guys go download the free um workbook the year of rebirth um if you haven't already this month prompts will walk you through

[00:57:36] reflection questions boundary mapping and how to assess the health of your relationship and next week dr will we'll be back and we're diving into self-care in relationships you don't want to miss it again dr will thank you thank you for coming in and dropping them gems baby always nothing deep yes and again to our beautiful uh seasonal stuff love family i just want to thank you all for just being

[00:58:06] here if this episode spoke to you share it with someone you love um subscribe leave a review and just join the conversation on social media right until next time continue choosing you every single day have an amazing day thank you for joining us on this journey of discovering and empowerment here at the season of

[00:58:28] self-love podcast remember embracing self-love is a continuous journey and we're so glad to have you with us so if you enjoyed today's episode please leave us a review and don't forget to join our community on facebook at season of self-love connect with like-minded individuals who are also on their self-love journey now if you have any questions or topics that you'd like for us to explore we'd love to hear from you email

[00:58:55] us at season of self-love at gmail.com and let your voice be heard so until next time take a moment for yourself today and remember you are worthy of love joy and all the beautiful things that life has to offer