Navigating Preteen Communication and Healing Beyond Betrayal with Family Coach Marcus A. Higgs

Introduction

Welcome back, beautiful souls, to another enlightening episode of the Season of Self-Love podcast. I’m your host, Nyomi Banks, and today, we’re exploring an essential yet delicate topic—*communication with preteens*—a crucial phase of life where trust and understanding begin to take a more complex shape. As part of our ongoing series, Healing Beyond Betrayal, we’re honored to have with us Mr. Marcus -Higgs, an experienced family coach and therapist known for his transformative work in family communication, especially with preteens.

In today’s episode, we discuss the challenges of parenting during these formative years, the influence of external factors like social media, and how parents can foster healthy communication and trust with their preteens. If you’re a parent, guardian, or simply interested in improving relationships with the young people in your life, this conversation is for you.

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The Formative Years: Why Preteens Matter

Marcus, who has worked globally as a teacher and family coach, emphasizes that preteen years are some of the most crucial in shaping a person’s identity. This is the age when children begin to push for independence while still relying on the secure attachment they've built with their parents. It’s a delicate balancing act for both parties—children navigating the waters of self-discovery and parents learning to let go while maintaining guidance.

Marcus says, “These years are the first identity-breaking moments, where a child begins to figure out who they are outside of their family’s expectations. It’s a phase of collaborative mistrust—they’re looking to see who they can trust, and as a parent, it’s important to still be seen as a safe space amidst all the other voices they’re hearing.”

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The Challenges of Parenting Preteens

Parenting during the preteen years is no easy task. As Marcus pointed out, children at this age are exposed to many different influences—teachers, coaches, peers, and, most recently, social media. They’re hearing multiple perspectives, which can sometimes conflict with what parents have taught them.

Parents often find themselves grappling with questions like:

- How do I remain a trusted source of support while giving them room to grow?

- How do I balance boundaries with freedom?

- How can I communicate in a way that resonates with them, especially when they’re seeking validation elsewhere?

According to Marcus, a key aspect of navigating these challenges is recognizing that kids are trying to figure out their identity and need a balance of structure and autonomy. He encourages parents to adopt what he calls “autonomy-supportive parenting,” which means respecting their growing independence while still providing them with boundaries and emotional support.

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Building Trust: The Show Up Framework

One of the most insightful parts of our conversation was Marcus’s Show Up Framework, a guide to creating meaningful communication and trust with preteens. The framework is built around four pillars:

1. Strong Identity – Begin by understanding and affirming your child’s virtues and values. Helping them understand who they are is key to guiding their behavior.

2. Hold Space – Create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment. Marcus explained this as “actively listening to understand, not to respond.”

3. Open Up Communication – Communication is essential, but it needs to be nonjudgmental and led with curiosity. Shorter, meaningful conversations where you listen more than you speak can foster openness.

4. Wonder and Explore Together – Collaborate on long-term projects that engage their interests. Whether it's learning a new hobby or starting a creative project, this builds trust and opens the door for future conversations.

5. Unveil Potential – Celebrate the small victories. Marcus emphasized that celebrating progress, no matter how small, helps build self-esteem and reinforces positive behavior.

Holding Space in the Age of Social Media

In today’s world, social media presents unique challenges for parents and preteens. Marcus highlighted that social media can be especially damaging to young girls because their self-worth often becomes tied to their online image.

As a mother of three girls, I shared my personal experience of trying to navigate this digital age. My youngest daughter is growing up in a world where social media and outside influences shape a lot of her beliefs, and it’s challenging to communicate the same values I did with my older daughters. Marcus offered valuable advice: “Reaffirm their worth beyond what’s online. Teach them to be authentic and true to themselves, even in the face of outside opinions.”

He added that parents should hold space for their daughters’ feelings about social media but also provide them with tools to critically evaluate what they see and hear. “It’s not about shutting out the outside world but teaching them how to interpret it,” Marcus said.

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Repair and Reconnection: Navigating Betrayal in Family Dynamics

A recurring theme throughout the episode was the idea of betrayal—not just betrayal from others but also self-betrayal. Marcus spoke about how family betrayal, whether through broken promises or unmet expectations, can deeply affect a child’s development.

He stressed the importance of repairing and reconnecting after a breach of trust. “Conflict doesn’t define the relationship—it’s how we repair and reconnect that does,” Marcus explained. By admitting mistakes, seeking to understand, and actively working on rebuilding trust, parents can model healthy conflict resolution for their children.

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Final Thoughts: From Healing to Growth

Our conversation with Marcus provided deep insights into the complexities of communication with preteens and how it ties into their emotional and mental development. As parents, the goal isn’t to have all the answers but to show up authentically, hold space for our children, and help them navigate life’s challenges with compassion.

As Marcus beautifully put it: “Life supports those who support life. And part of supporting life is holding space for growth, even through the difficult moments.”

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Conclusion

Navigating the preteen years is challenging, but with the right approach, it can also be a time of immense growth for both parents and children. Marcus A. Higgs offers a powerful framework for fostering communication, trust, and resilience during these formative years.

For parents looking to deepen their relationship with their preteens or learn more about navigating family dynamics, Marcus is launching a new cohort for his Show Up Framework and working on a project called Young Man, You Are Loved to support fathers in speaking life and affirmation into their sons.

You can connect with Marcus at marcushiggs.com or follow him on LinkedIn for more insights.

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Stay Tuned

Thank you for joining us on this enlightening journey. Be sure to tune in to tomorrow’s episode for more wisdom on healing, communication, and personal growth. Until next time, keep embracing your journey with love, patience, and courage.

With love and light,

Nyomi Banks

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Call to Action:

If today’s conversation resonated with you, share this episode with someone who might benefit. And don’t forget to subscribe to the Season of Self-Love* podcast for daily inspiration and guidance on your path to healing and self-love.*